A Therapist On How She Deals With "Mom Guilt" & How You Can Too

Mom guilt, defined as the feeling many parents experience about not being "good enough," is real. As a psychotherapist, group facilitator, and mother, it's an emotional weight that I have carried and supported others in working through.

For you, this guilt might manifest as fears about not spending enough time with your kids, regret over snapping at them, or self-judgments about not wanting to play with dolls or take them to yet another extracurricular activity. 

It is no wonder women report1 significantly more guilt in parenting than men. Many women struggle with the belief that they are "not good enough," and based on the other social identities they hold (race, sexuality, socioeconomic status, ability status, age, size), they may have received messages from society about being "too much" or "not enough."

The definition of the "good enough mother" is contextualized by sociocultural expectations, meaning that it changes based on the context you are in.

For example, you may have grown up being exposed to the trope of the "selfless mother," the one that denies her needs and exists solely in relation to her children. She lives to serve and meet the demands of others.

Women feel crushed by unrealistic demands in this cultural moment. Women are expected to be present parents, workers, partners, friends, children, and the list goes on. The world has changed, yet the expectations to keep up remain the same.

If we are guilty and self-critical, the only person we take action against is ourselves. When we are critiquing ourselves, we are not raging against the capitalist, racist, and patriarchal systems that have made us feel like we are not good enough. 

Maybe you're not guilty that you yelled at your kid but rather angry that you do not have child care support that is affordable so you can get the rest you need to feel resourced. Maybe you're not guilty for ignoring their requests for play but angry that you do not have a supportive partner to step in when you're too tired to. Maybe you're not guilty for not being able to "do it all" but rather angry at the individualistic culture that prevents you from asking your community for help and revealing how much you're struggling. 

Ask yourself if the critical voice in your head is actually your voice and your beliefs or words you've heard from your parents or societal messaging. Sometimes we internalize voices from the outside, and although they sound like they belong to us, they are not our own. 

We live in a culture that is negative-feeling-phobic. We don't like negative emotions, and we prefer to pursue the "good vibes." However, sometimes guilt can be good for us to feel because acknowledging the "wrongdoing" orients us to what is important to us and how we might not be living in line with our values. 

Anger, if we allow it, can be our savior. We avoid anger for valid reasons—some of us have witnessed harmful expressions of rage; others have been punished for releasing anger, and many worry about how big it will be if it comes out. 

The pressure from the outside world to "do it all" may prevent you from noticing where your self-reliance is preventing you from seeking support and depending on others. This is not your fault, as many of us drink the American individualistic Kool-Aid, which tells us that we should use our internal resources to get by. In reality, separateness is at odds with our biology, and connection is the balm for growth and healing. 

Emphasis on the nuclear family's ability to carry its own weight has left many moms feeling depleted and lonely. When you are "doing it all," you may be preventing others from stepping up with support.