How I Talk To My 10 Year-Old Son About Sex (And Why That's Important)

One day, my 10-year-old son asked me if he could buy a vibrator. “My sister has one — and I want to know what’s available for a boy,” he declared with the reasoning only a jealous younger sibling can muster.

Two reasons: First, I believe that it’s my job as a parent to make sure my kid is thriving in a variety of areas: academically, socially, physically, and emotionally. Teaching my kid about sexuality is part of my parental mandate, so to speak. If we want our kids to blossom into healthy adults capable of partaking in healthy romantic relationships, the prepubescent stage is the perfect time to deepen the conversation around sex.

And if you miss the window when they are still somewhat-adoring tweens, you’ll be relegated to obsolescence by a teenager who’ll find you about as relevant as Sarah Palin. Even with the great rapport between myself and my 16-year-old daughter, she occasionally talks to me like I am a cognitively-challenged servant.

According to Planned Parenthood, productive conversations between children and their parents are one of the most influential factors in promoting safe, healthy and successful experiences in teens and young adults.

“Teens often name their parents as the biggest influence in their decisions about sex. And teens who report having good conversations with their parents about sex are more likely to delay sexual activity, have fewer partners, and use condoms and other contraceptives when they do have sex.”

It’s best to start talking to children about sex when they are young — as early as five years old — when they start asking where they came from. But even if you’re starting a bit later, can still influence your children in a powerful, positive way.

Many parents feel queasy and awkward broaching the subjects of sex and sexuality, but it gets easier with time and practice. Know your parenting style and use it. What is the culture of your family? Are you avid readers? If so, buy your tween a book and read it too.

When you’re listening to the radio in the car and your kid starts parroting some astonishingly repugnant lyrics from the latest hit song, start a dialogue. “Wow, this singer seems to think relationships are all about ‘booty.’ I wonder how his girlfriend feels about that.”

It’s true that you’ve lived longer, but don’t come from a know-it-all place. Be curious and respectful, instead of shutting your kid down, and be open to their viewpoint.

Give your thoughts in a neutral open manner and then leave space for their thinking — and don’t assume it will be stupid. Watching TV or listening to music with my kids has led to more spontaneous insights and revelations than nearly anything else.

We don’t “own” our kids, even though this is how our culture encourages us to think. One of the ways I see parents trying to exert control is around the issue of clothing. Rape statistics show that alcohol is a much stronger indicator of vulnerability to sexual abuse that anything a teenager is wearing.

Educate your kid on how to stay safe, and sign them up for a self-defense course, but don’t make their budding sexuality the problem. Too many parents review and set rules about what their kids are wearing — which is a personal choice that, frankly, doesn’t add up to much.

If I saw my kids using their body or sexuality as their primary way to get attention, I would gently inquire about it. Shaming them is the fastest way to lose a connection. Appearance and sexuality are very vulnerable topics for all of us, so choose your words carefully, avoid criticizing, and make safety the point of the conversation.

Guiding and teaching our kids about sexuality can be a delicate and sometimes awkward role. You’re not going to be around when your teenager is deciding whether or not to have sex for the first time — you can’t decide how it plays out for them.

The best we can do is educate our children so they can make informed choices. A healthy relationship and foundational understanding of sex is one of the most important and influential lessons a parent can pass on — let’s do our best so our children thrive.

Looking for more information on sex-positive parenting? Check out my new book Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage and Loving on My Own Terms You can e-mail Gracie at GracieX.com.