6 Signs You're Dealing With A Sex Addict

There comes a point when the addict must take more of a substance or a stronger substance to achieve and maintain the same high that he or she seeks. With sexual addiction, tolerance and escalation occur when the addict spends increasing amounts of time engaging in the addiction or when the intensity level of his/her sexual fantasies and activities increases.

Denial keeps sex addicts out of touch with the process, costs, and reality of their addiction. They routinely ignore the kinds of warning signs that would be obvious to a healthier person. Often, they externalize blame for the consequences of their sexual acting out onto other people or situations. In short, they are often unable or unwilling to see the destructive effects wrought by their sexual behavior until a related crisis shows up at the door.

Another way to look at the signs and symptoms of sexual addiction is with the “SAFE” formula developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Dr. Carnes uses SAFE as an acronym for Secret, Abusive, Feelings, and Empty. In his book, Out of the Shadows, he writes:

The question emerges for addicts as to how they determine when their sexual behavior is addictive. The following formula is suggested as a guideline. Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behavior can be described as follows:

1. It is a secret. Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.

2. It is abusive to self or others. Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself will activate the addictive system.

3. It is used to avoid or is a source of painful feelings. If sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.

4. It is empty of a caring, committed relationship. Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.

Throughout the 20th century, sex addiction specialists tended to place a considerable amount of emphasis on committed, monogamous relationships (see the “Empty” portion of the Carnes SAFE formula) as the endpoint of recovery from sexual addiction.

Over time, however, we have learned that marriage and long-term commitments are not an absolute requirement for everyone wishing to achieve sexual healing and/or sexual sobriety (unless one is already in a committed, long-term monogamous relationship).

In today’s world, healing from sexual addiction can encompass many types of meaningful, open, and honest sexual or romantic connections — as long as they are not secretive, abusive to self or others, repeatedly used to avoid feelings, or causing problems to the addict and/or the addict’s loved ones.

In short, sex addicts needn’t be married to be in sexual recovery. But they do need to be connected to their sexual partners and not treat or use them as objects. In fact, there are individuals in sexual recovery who have experienced such significant early life trauma that they might never be able to create and sustain meaningful monogamy.

But that does not mean they can’t heal, be in recovery, develop meaningful interpersonal connections (sexual and otherwise), and feel happy and at peace with themselves. In other words, today we see that sexual recovery is less about cultural norms and more about personal integrity relationship building that may or may not involve sex, and the elimination of impulsive and problematic sexual behavior.

This article adapted from Sex Addiction 101 by Robert Weiss, copyright HCI Books 2016.