5 Unexpected Reasons People Are So Self-Critical, From A Psychiatrist

When we criticize ourselves, we don't just tear ourselves down; we trigger the fears we have about ourselves to create the desired outcome. Moreover, blaming ourselves allows us to narrow our attention, which shelters us from positive and negative possibilities. In this way, self-criticism breeds narrow-mindedness and serves to protect us by providing:

Self-criticism can motivate us to reach our goals and achieve the things we want for ourselves. When we procrastinate, feel like we've failed, or believe we've let ourselves down, self-criticism is a stopgap that kicks in when the alternative is to give up. While it's a rough ride with many downsides, self-criticism can sometimes come from a place of self-care—even if, in part, it is motivated by avoiding deeper feelings of shame and inadequacy.

Many people take comfort in self-criticism because it is familiar to them. The self-critical voice is a constant companion that seems to have our best interests at heart. We often internalize this voice from early caregivers who may also have harbored feelings of inadequacy and isolation. But while self-criticism makes us miserable, it also allows us to feel reunited with our own feelings of suffering. As odd as it sounds, it offers us self-companionship in the face of suffering, even though self-critique can precipitate that very same distress.

Even though self-criticism makes us focus on the negative and coerces us to trash-talk ourselves, it secretly wishes for our success. Just like a well-meaning relative who tries to be supportive but comes across as mean-spirited, our self-criticism communicates that we haven't given up, even though we aren't happy with where we are. In this way, self-criticism offers us a tough-love approach that we may crave. Unfortunately, however, the persistently corrosive effect of unopposed self-criticism can ultimately take a toll, which can also lead to giving up.

While we may long for closeness and connection—and hate the pain of isolation—we are often held back by our fears that others will hurt or disappoint us. Therefore, we use self-criticism to protect ourselves from the risk of vulnerability and the pain that can come with it. By succumbing to our negative thoughts, we avoid taking risks. Unfortunately, in retrospect, we discover that the cost of not taking risks is far greater than embracing the intimacy we desire.

The recurring experience of negative self-talk and the feeling of being overwhelmed with hostile emotional states may instigate a process of constructive self-discovery. This happens as we reflect on and recognize repetitive negative inner emotions and self-talk. When we take note of this repetition, we may realize that negativity protects us from deeper fears. For example, perhaps we fear success, vulnerability, or discovering the reasons behind our inability to pursue our dreams and desires. But rather than cling to our self-criticism as a means for growth, we can approach self-criticism to discover what we need from ourselves and seek a new way to self-relate.

Furthermore, our efforts to counterbalance our self-critical thoughts with encouraging ones will allow us to achieve the positive things we think we obtain from negative self-talk and foster healthier relationships with ourselves and others. In this way, our self-compassion tears down the protective barriers erected by self-criticism and provides us with the means to receive the things we want the most. Surely, this is reason enough to analyze our inner dialogue and challenge the negativity that can dominate our thoughts.