What To Do About That Uncomfortable Conversation You've Been Avoiding

A group of 16 men sit in a dimly lit living room on mismatched chairs.

We're in the middle of a men's retreat, and these men all came to this house in upstate New York to redefine masculinity on their own terms and step more deeply into personal integrity. We are about to offer up one of the biggest questions and challenges of the weekend:

Who would you be without the weight of the things you're not sharing? 

What if having the challenging conversation that you are avoiding is precisely the thing that will unlock the strength and motivation you need to become the partner, entrepreneur, or human the world needs?

Over the next two hours, these men will identify the conversations they aren't having and work toward taking the courageous action of sharing all of themselves with the people they love. We ask these men another question to put the exercise in perspective: If they aren't being fully honest, how could they possibly expect full honesty from anyone else?

Not clear what I mean by "story"?

At the end of the day, these are all stories. They are predictions of the future, and you simply can't know any of them for certain. This made-up story is what is standing between you and the deep relationships you desire. 

Where are you out of integrity? 

Have a Voldemort moment and acknowledge that which hath not been spoken. For you non-Harry Potter fans, Voldemort was the scary villain of the series by J.K. Rowling. Harry and his friends were so frightened of his evil power that they refused to even say his name out loud. What I've found is that many of us feel if we don't say it, it won't exist. We naively hope that whatever is wrong will "go away" if we don't mention it. Wrong. Just the opposite happens. When we "voldemort" something in our life—when we deny it or play ostrich—it just becomes more dominant in its destructive power.

We need to be willing to risk the mediocre or undesirable relationships we have to create the relationships we really want. Once you realize this and start taking action on what's real for you without your story, your life will transform in miraculous ways.

Here's a framework and some pointers that will make that challenging conversation easier to have: 

It's not about you! It's about us. 

Rather than hitting people with a firehouse of emotions, guilt, and feelings, position your share as an opportunity to deepen the relationship and empower them to feel like they can be honest as well. Don't use this as a tactic, of course. But this is compassion in action, and when you understand that by sharing honestly, you create space for other people to do the same. It becomes an act of service. 

Acknowledge your assumption. 

This is the story you've been telling yourself about how they've been feeling or how they will respond to what you have to share. 

For example. "I've been feeling like you are mad at me about the thing that happened a year ago, and I feel like you're just not interested in being close friends with me anymore or making an effort to hang out. I've been worried that by sharing this I'd make you uncomfortable and drive you even further away."

From there, give the person the opportunity to respond without the weight of that assumption: "With that said, rather than responding to the made-up story in my head, I wanted to give you a chance to respond to what I'm actually feeling/experiencing."

This act empowers the other person. Even if they don't like what you have to say, they will appreciate the fact that you are giving them a chance to interact with what is happening in reality. 

Take ownership of your actions. 

Don't tell someone that you did something because they made you do it. Take ownership for doing what you have done. You can tell people something they did and how that made you feel, but telling someone their actions forced you to do something will immediately put them on the defensive and forces you into the role of victim. 

Say it with me: "I am not a victim. I am responsible and capable of creating the relationships that I desire."

Write down what you want to say.

As Brené Brown says, "Choose courage over comfort."

If you are feeling stuck, it's often because you are not dealing with the challenging conversation or thing you are not saying. It is only when we are personally in integrity that we can expect that from the people around us. Are you creating a space for radical integrity in your relationships, or are you settling?

Is this scary? It sure as shit has been for me! 

You think it was easy to tell my wife that I had watched porn again after establishing an agreement that I wouldn't? Add the pressure that it was only a month before we were about to get married. You think I didn't have a story about how this could crush what was supposed to be one of the most meaningful days of our lives that was a few weeks away? You bet your ass I did. That's why I kept it from her. 

But also, this secret was making me an asshole that I didn't like. Making me less present, making me judgmental, making me not trust her and snap at her in a way that was totally out of character. How much of a hypocrite would I have been to commit to her while not being in full integrity? What precedent would that set for the relationship?

When I told my wife, she was rightfully furious because I had broken a very important agreement of ours. What resulted was two of the hardest, most contentious days we've ever experienced. Sometimes, it still comes up as a thing that hurt her.

The energy of integrity cannot be faked. So if you're feeling stuck, just ask yourself:

What is the hard conversation I'm not having?

Where am I out of integrity?

As for the men who sat on those mismatched chairs in the Catskills, here's what happened to them.

One man sent his dad a message telling him how much he loved him and how proud of him he was. He also shared how it hurt to not feel his dad express love in return. The man took me outside with tears in his eyes and read me a message. His father had responded with an email telling him that he loved him for the first time in their relationship.

One man came clean to his wife on a falsehood that he entered the relationship on, a falsehood that he realized was keeping him from trusting her fully. She received his admission with pain and love, letting him know that she understands why he did it. They stepped into some of the deepest connection they have experienced in their marriage. 

One man wrote a letter to his business partner that he had not spoken with since dissolving the partnership. He acknowledged his faults and invited in a relationship that he wanted them to have. 

These are the conversations that set you free, that move your life forward by "yards and not inches," as one of our men said.

You are not the sum of what you have done in the past. You are the sum of what you have done, what you do next, and all the things you will do after that.

What you do next is completely up to you. You are in control. You have the ability to reclaim your power and come back into integrity whenever you choose. You can take action tomorrow, next week, or...never.

Never is a scary thought. You don't want to get to the end of your life with your truth still inside of you. You don't want to be guessing who you could have been, what your relationships could have been.