How You Do Sex Is How You Do Life + 3 Other Things Your Mom Never Told You About Real Love

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If you do a Google search for "reinvent your sex life" you’ll find articles telling you all you need to do to spice up your love life is wear heels, spend more time naked, or try some different sex toys. And if that doesn’t work then you should try a new position, a new location, or find a new partner. If only our sex lives were that simple. Some articles go a bit deeper and advise you to introduce spontaneity, variety, and novelty into your relationship and your bedroom, which is great—but it's only part of the story.

Conventional advice about reinventing your sexuality often doesn’t account for the fact that each of us is a complicated, dynamic individual whose needs are always evolving and changing. And that’s good news because when it comes to sex, change is a good thing. And reinventing your sex life isn’t that different from reinventing any other area of your life—it takes effort, commitment, time, vulnerability, and an open mind. Here are a few truths you may not have heard before:

1. How you do sex is how you do life.

How you approach your sex life is, more often than not, how you approach every area of your life. So, if you are someone who finds excitement and joy in even the simplest activities, it’s likely you’ll feel similarly in the bedroom. By the same token, if you’re more of a serious or intense person, this may translate into your intimate life. Either way, it’s not about self-judgment but self-understanding. Sex is all about vulnerability and play, so learning as much as you can about how you view and react to life will serve you well with your partner.

If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, then enhance another area of your life and you’ll find it overflows into the bedroom. Here are a few ideas:

  • Take up a new hobby or sport—allow it to connect you to your body.
  • Start traveling—learn about new cultures and meet new people
  • Learn to cook—take time to truly smell, touch, and taste delicious dishes.
  • Dive into new books, podcasts, and films that uplift you and open your mind. Talk about the parts that inspire you with a good friend or partner.

Bottom line: If you want to enrich your sex life, start by enriching yourself. If you want to be interesting to others, you have to be interested (in something). Suck the marrow out of life! There’s a magnificent world out there waiting to be fallen in love with.

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2. A conscious relationship will boost your sex life.

A conscious relationship is a romantic relationship in which both partners are focused and committed to individual growth, collective growth as a couple, and growth that makes the world a better place. These days, most people get into relationships to get their personal needs met—sexually, financially, or emotionally, but this often doesn’t keep them together long-term. If a union is not built on a common purpose, higher purpose, both partners may feel unfulfilled.

When partners come together with the intention to grow, evolve, and transform as the years go by, the relationship thrives on something much greater than the gratification of personal desires. The partnership becomes a wild journey of reinvention and two people discover they can expand and transform more together than they could have alone. Long-term fulfillment results from this deep commitment.

You may think that this type of relationship would be devoid of hot, spicy sex, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. My friends who are in this type of purposeful relationship are the most sexually connected, satisfied people I know. When you're able to truly be who you are, regardless of how you grow and change, pleasure, desire, and intimacy are awakened and expressed without inhibition.

It breaks my heart that so many people just accept the notion that relationships inevitably start out hot and fizzle over time. This hasn’t been my experience. In the five years since I met my husband, we’ve grown and changed so much, it’s as if I’ve had three different relationships.

Basically, I’m getting to meet and fall in love with a new version of my best friend over and over. I’m not saying there aren’t tough times and that domestic life doesn’t introduce challenges to our sex life, but keeping our commitment intentional helps us connect, communicate, and work through any hiccups that come our way.

3. Nobody gives you an orgasm: You open yourself up to receive one.

If you’re like most people, you assume an orgasm is something that someone gives you. Well, I’m here to tell you that nobody can give you an orgasm but you. Now, I’m not saying that you can only experience an orgasm by yourself or with self-pleasure, but hear me out. Think of a time someone special gave you a gift. No matter how wonderful that gift was or how much love that person felt when they gave it to you, if you weren’t in a receptive, open, and loving place you may not have been able to fully experience the pleasure of the gift.

What I’m saying is that pleasure, like happiness, really is an inside job. Yes, sex is often a team effort, but I can guarantee that your sexual experiences will improve if you focus on what you can do to be in a receptive, open, and loving place—regardless of what your partner is or is not doing.

What matters most is the shift in thinking that your partner is responsible for meeting your needs or "giving you an orgasm." The truth is, you are the lover you’ve been waiting for and you can give yourself love and pleasure any time you want. I invite you to reflect on times you’ve felt the most sexual, the most full of love—and you’ll begin to see those feelings came from you in the first place.

4. To reinvent your sex life, it helps to have a warrior mindset.

In order to reinvent yourself or your sex life, it helps to have a warrior mindset because this journey takes effort. This isn’t a dog-and-pony show, people. Nobody experiences pleasure and bliss by going through the motions, and there isn’t a prescription that you can follow. It’s not easy, but that’s the fun part. You get out of it what you put into it. There will be setbacks and obstacles to overcome, so you’ll need a warrior mindset to push through with courage, compassion, and integrity.

That being said, you don’t have to make the journey alone, and you have plenty of resources at your fingertips. As a coach and life reinvention expert, I choose to work with driven, motivated "Reinvention Warriors" who are ready to open their minds, their hearts, and their lives to bold ways of experiencing the world.

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