8 Tips For Raising Feminist Boys, From A Mother Who Has Been There

But this time was different. The psychologist in me cringed. In the past months, the news has been saturated with story after story of well-respected men sexually assaulting others in the most disturbing and casual ways. It was so pervasive, it felt like sexually responsible and conscious men don’t exist, which I know is a fallacy. But it also made evident the importance of talking to children about consent and responsibility at a young age, especially to developing boys.

There is no script for how to build conscious and caring young boys. The most important thing is to move toward the conversation rather than avoid it, which is what we have historically done as a culture. Name and notice what you see, and raise general thoughts and feelings with your children. Take the pressure off yourself "to teach." At Harvard and in the classroom, we often use "noticing and wondering" to spark conversation. Give kids something to think and talk about. Be curious about what they think and how they feel. Raise awareness. As we move on as a culture and begin to process and hopefully repair the trauma that has been unveiled, consider focusing on these points when talking with your young sons.

For example, "You know it is never OK to touch someone else in their private parts, right? It is also not OK to hug or kiss anyone without asking. Why do you think that is a rule?"

"You have lots of love to give. That is part of what I love about you. It is often OK to give a hug to someone, but make sure you know them and ask beforehand. You can say something like ‘you are the best! Can I give you a hug?'"

For example, "Unwanted touching can make people feel unsafe. Although it is different from hitting or kicking, it can hurt people the same way and is actually one of the worst kinds of bullying."

Say, "Our bodies are very smart and know when something isn’t right. For me, when something feels weird or unsafe, I get butterflies in my belly and feel like I want to leave. Although I might not know exactly why, that is my internal alarm system telling me to act. Have you ever felt this? Where do you feel this in your body? What should you do when you feel this?"

Try saying something like, "I noticed our little neighbor hid behind her mother when I went to hug her. I wonder what she was feeling and whether she wanted a hug. What do you think? I assumed not, so I didn’t hug her, and that was OK with me."

For example, say, "You are in charge of your body. Nobody is allowed to force you to do something that feels uncomfortable or unsafe, and it is OK to say no. That is actually the law."

Of course, I believe it's also important to teach my sons the power of healthy, happy touch. Sex is something that should be celebrated, and that's something I want them to know—as long as they know how to respect boundaries, too.