A Couples' Guide To Having Healthy Expectations Around Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day feels like one of the most high-stakes days of the year for couples. If you're in a new relationship, you may struggle with what the holiday should mean for you and whether you should celebrate it at all. If you're in a longer-term relationship, you may put extra importance on what your partner chooses to do to recognize and honor your relationship. Either way, your expectations can get in the way of finding a way to enjoy each other and celebrate the love you share.

Expectations are a problem because they set you up to feel disappointment. They are especially tricky because you're not always aware that you have any. You may only realize they haven't been met when the holiday has gone by and you feel upset. It's important to try to unearth your expectations in advance and talk about them with your partner. Remember, they also have expectations; you need to share them together.

How do you like to receive and give affection? To answer this question, you might consider your "love language." If you're not familiar, this is a concept from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The idea is that each of us has things we associate with love, and it can be hard to recognize loving gestures if they don't fit your profile.

Are you someone who cherishes quality time? A romantic date may be the most meaningful to you. Are gifts one of your love languages? Then flowers and chocolate may be the most important gesture you could receive. How about words of affirmation? If that's your priority, a meaningful card with a handwritten sentiment may have the most impact.

There can also be a lot of pressure on Valentine's Day around your sex life. It's considered such a romantic holiday, and you or your partner may have expectations that you should have sex—and that it should be great.

Having different expectations and desires can complicate Valentine's Day and turn it from a celebration of love to an unsatisfying occasion that causes resentment. That's why it's so important to talk about these values with your partner in advance. Compare what you each want and believe. Rather than expecting your partner to make all the arrangements and surprise you, work together to create a plan that celebrates your relationship in a way that feels good to you both. Set yourselves up for success by taking a team approach to planning the day and night.

If you and your partner want vastly different things for Valentine's Day, you will need to find a way to compromise. There may be ways to combine your desires so that it meets at least some of each of your needs. If that isn't possible, consider taking turns. Someone gets it their way this time, and the other person creates the celebration next time. Whichever way you find to compromise, do it in a spirit of unity and support. Commit to it and bring your full energy to it.