You read that headline right: I'm giving up my career as a hands-on healer, because being a healer is actually not my dream. My dream is, and always has been, to be an actor.
If you believe in karma, then let me start at the very beginning. I've been told by many healers that I came into this lifetime with a built-in belief that in order to be happy and successful I had to take care of other people. I was programmed for servitude. And my life experiences have added to this belief.
At about five years old, I realized my mother needed helping. She needed someone to look after her, help her make the right decisions, and provide her with comfort and support. Whether she was going through a divorce, dealing with parenthood, making career changes, or trying to survive an abusive marriage, I was there. I was always there to help her. I decided I would be the person who took care of her.
I also decided I would be the person who took care of my little sister, my friends, my pets, my friends' pets, my teachers, my doctors, my accountant, perfect strangers — everyone, really.
So it was a natural progression from compassionate child to adult hands-on healer. I had always believed somewhere deep down that if I were to heal myself — deeply and authentically — I would then be able to transform and heal other people to a magnificent degree. Perhaps change the world someday! Can you see the stars twinkling in my young eyes?
This belief was honorable. Underneath my intention to “heal the world,” though, was a deep-seated belief that I was supposed to martyr myself in order to prove that I was loveable, gifted, and significant. This belief stemmed from guilt, not authentic self-love.
I came to this realization three weeks ago. After nearly 10 years of working on my career as a healer.
I woke up with this feeling in my stomach. I felt empowered and strong. I also felt bouyant and joyful. I felt free because I knew I was letting go of a long-held, unhealthy pattern.
When I went to lunch with my husband that day, I told him I finally realized how I had been martyring myself through my career, serving others as a sort of penance for my imperfections. I also told him I was done with that; that I felt empowered to live my life for me now, as authentically as possible, and from a place of true self-love. I said I wanted to continue to heal myself for the simple reason of being free, and that I wanted to work as an actor because of the joy and fulfillment it brings me.
He smiled the most beautiful smile at me — the one that melted my heart when we met ten years ago — and said, "I'm really excited for you, honey."
That's all I needed for validation, that one brilliant smile from the man I love. He reflected back to me the radiance, excitement, and faith I had been feeling all that morning.
"So, what are you going to do?" he said.
"I'm going to focus on my acting career, get back into my yoga practice and write. If I can do those things for the rest of my life and get paid for them, I will die happy! Those are my passions," I replied.
And that's what I'm doing.
Do I still want to be a healer? Yes, of course! But I want to do it my way, not the way I think everyone else wants me to. Instead of offering Bowen Therapy sessions, I am writing about my experiences, offering my life lessons as inspiration for people who want to feel empowered to heal themselves.
I'll continue to heal, and grow, and evolve. I'll "write my own rules," as Tara Stiles suggests. I'll do it my way. I'll find the things that stoke the fires of my passion and creativity, and do them as frequently as possible. Right now, those things are homeopathy, Brennan Healing Science, Anusara yoga, and writing.
Will my life be more fulfilling and bring me more joy and contentment? My life is my own. I've taken responsibility for it, and I'm living as authentically as possible. So far, I've had more fun and laughed harder than I have in years because I'm living from my core, from my essence.
I've been on quite a journey these past few months. I let go of my victimhood and started claiming my birth right to live the life I want to live, from a place of respect and unconditional love for the special person I am.
That means I'm letting go of my career as a hands-on healer and embracing my career as an actor, writer, and yoga lover … because that's who I really am and that’s who I’ve always wanted to be.
Who do you really want to be? I'll bet you've always known!