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This Is Why You Can't Find Your Soul Mate

Shelly Bullard, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist By Shelly Bullard, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves.

I believe there are people we're supposed to be in relationships with. I call these people our soul mates.

One of the most interesting things about soul mates is sometimes they're the people we resist the most. You'd think we'd run to our soul mates with open arms, but often we end up running in the other direction.

Why do you feel an impulse to push your soul mate away? Why do others give you advice to do the same? How do you change this pattern by accepting your soul mate and signing up for the relationship of your life?

As a Love Coach, I often get the question, "How can I get over this person?" Then they describe the relationship: I've been in love with him for 10 years, my heart just won't let go. I can't stop thinking about him, no one compares…

I love answering this question.

"You don't get over him," I say. "This is your soul mate."

Relief emerges on the other end of the line. Partly because the client knows it's true, and partly because others have told her the opposite for so long.

Here's the deal: we don't choose our soul mates. Our hearts do. And once your heart has chosen, it's not going to let go until it's ready. This is not under your control.

What is under your control is if you surrender to your love or fight against it. It's a choice.

Unfortunately many of us fight against it — we push our soul mates away! Why would we do such a thing?

Because it's terrifying to love someone so much!

When your heart is this engaged — when it feels like you're completely at the mercy of another — you better believe you want to run.

But running doesn't make them go away! Nor does it turn off your heart! If this person is your soul mate, your heart will remain connected until it's time to let go. This doesn't happen on your watch.

One of the major reasons we fail to fearlessly embrace these relationships is because we get a ton of advice that tells us not to.

Unfortunately, most people don't know what they're talking about when it comes to love. A good rule of thumb is: Don't take love advice from someone who doesn't have a relationship you admire. The blind leading the blind will not get you to happily ever after.

A lot of this poor relationship advice focuses on these two themes:

Your partner isn't giving you enough, so you should move on.

Your partner makes you feel negative emotions (i.e. frustration, annoyance, fear, anger, crazy … take your pick), so you should move on.

I'd like to address this advice, and explain why you should think twice about kicking your heart's desire to the curb.

1. It's not your choice to move on.

Try it. I'm serious. Let me know how that goes.

You can't will yourself to stop loving someone. That's like trying to use your mind outsmart your heart. It doesn't work like that!

I talk to plenty of people who have continued to love someone for years despite having tried to "let them go." What they really end up doing is blocking them out (i.e. shutting down their hearts), which is just torturous and fails every time.

Instead of blocking someone out, I encourage you to trust that your heart has a plan. Say yes to your soul mate and find out what the lessons are.

2. Relationships are not about getting; they're about giving.

We become obsessed (and our friends become obsessed) with all the things that we aren't "getting" in relationships, but relationships are where we learn to GIVE. They are not about another person completing us!

People love talking about this. "He's not doing _____, so you should walk away." Really? Why not explore what you aren't doing?

How can you show up in a fuller way? How can you fearlessly love? These are the real questions you should be asking yourself.

When we genuinely give more to our partners, we receive more love. It's a simple equation. This is a major lesson you must learn if you are going to have successful relationships.

3. Yes, this relationship makes you feel negative emotions!

That's what happens in relationships! If you didn't feel negative emotions, you wouldn't grow!

Does this mean you have to endure frustration, annoyance, fear, and craziness forever? No! You get to move beyond these feelings. It's called evolution. But again, no discomfort, no growth.

People jump on challenges in relationships like they're a horrible thing. And I get it, it's not comfortable in be pushed to your edge. But having strong emotional experiences doesn't mean something is wrong! This is one of the biggest misconceptions about love. Your emotions indicate where you have room to grow.

I know, I know. You want to believe the fantasy that there's someone out there who will never push your buttons. Sweetheart, it ain't true. The sooner you accept this and face the discomfort in your relationship as a means for your own spiritual growth, the more at peace you're going to be.

When it comes to your relationship the most important thing to do is be true to you. When your heart is attached to a particular person, get curious about why that is. There just might be a reason for it.

Your soul mate is the person that you can't help but want, that you can't help but love, that you can't forget about no matter what. I say, "Don't fight the feeling!"

By accepting our soul mates, we're signing up for the richest type of life, one that includes the most potent emotions, twists and turns, depth and fullness. Trust me, this is what you really want — this is what it is to be alive.

Take my advice and jump into the current of your heart. Go for it! Your soul mate is waiting for you to say yes.

Please leave a comment below about your experience with soul mates. I can't wait to hear from you!

Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to...
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