I've been wondering why it always seems like the good kind of love has eluded me. I've gone through the questions of self-worth, tried blaming the template my parents set forth, and done the work of building myself up on the inside. Yet, all of this is still applying a left-brained "why" analysis towards a very right-brained issue.
Until tonight. As I worked on releasing admonitions from the past, these false beliefs that have kept me tamped down rather than flourishing to my fullest capabilities, I struck a truth chord.
I realized I've never believed in true love.
This is why I'd never found the partner of my dreams. This is why it always seemed like the women in my life have been able to find partners who honor, respect and love them deeply, yet I've been with people who've treated me only slightly better than their worst fears.
I've never believed that real, genuine and lasting love was possible for me. It was a pretty, over-there fairy tale for girls with perfect bodies and happy families — it simply wasn't for me.
I've met a very good man. In a sense, I've known him before, but we're now experiencing our friendship in a different and deeper context. The other day, he said to me in all of his sweet genuine nature, "I'm the man you've been searching for."
I paused, didn't say anything. Then, I realized he was right. He is indeed the man I've hoped for a very long while — in my subconscious mind, even when my conscious mind was overpowering it with doubt — would manifest.
He is kind to me. He looks at me with such love that others around me can feel his affection. He celebrates the goddess who exists within me, inspiring me to embody an even greater beauty than I believed possible, because he co-creates a sense of freedom for me to be all of who I am, which means I can be vulnerable, emotional, strong, frightened, intelligent, sensual, sweet, or any number of responses I may have in the moment.
He encourages me to share everything, all of my truth and even my misperceptions, to never hold anything back. The more I am myself with this man, the more he shares how he loves me, how he is grateful I have graced him with my presence.
There is a lot of serendipity in our intertwining. We've both done a lot of work on ourselves. We've hit the bottoms until they fell out and then rolled even deeper, then picked ourselves up. We asked the hard questions and waited impatiently, with as much grace and surrender as possible, for the answers.
Then, he opened up to the belief that we are worthy of a good kind of love. I stayed back.
"We deserve this," he said to me. "We deserve this kind of love."
And what do I want to say in return?
I have doubt. It's messy in here. I don't want to hurt you. When will the "real" you show up, the one I've learned is behind the nice facade? I feel like I should like you, because you're good to me, but there's a part of me that is still attracted to the struggle. You don't offer that.
I'm healing my insides and for the first time, feel like the Universe is offering someone to help me heal from the outside. But I don't believe this is real. I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if this is going to last.
Instead, I just wait for the unfolding to happen. Can we help one another write new narratives of an adventurous and spiritual romance? Or, are we soulmate stepping stones, paving our paths in one another’s life until the next knowing?
I don’t know. I’m simply opening up to the belief that a true love is possible — that it's possible for me — and right now, that is more than enough.