What You Need To Know About "The One"

Doctor of Psychology By Danielle Dowling, Psy.D.
Doctor of Psychology
Danielle Dowling, Psy.D. is a doctor of psychology and life coach, helping ambitious, driven women achieve the financial, spiritual, and lifestyle abundance they desire and deserve. She holds a bachelor's in business from American University, and her master's and doctor of psychology degree from Ryokan College.

We all want a soulmate. “The One.”

Your perfect partner who can read your mind and finish your sentences.

We want fate and fireworks.

But believing in predetermined destiny is limiting.

It leaves little room for adventure and what life may want to give you.

What if The One isn’t who you thought they would be?

Love isn’t always syrupy sweet kisses and walking off into the sunset.

Sometimes the purpose of a soul mate is to tear down your walls, shake you awake, and reveal new parts of yourself.

They become a mirror that exposes new dimensions of you, parts that you may relish in or shrink from.

Soul mates give you the opportunity to notice personal obstacles.

And then actually do something about them.

They can force you to your own leading edge.

To grow.



But all that emotional fever does not guarantee that they are your life partner.

Often riveting romances grip us in their clutch just to introduce the prospect of ruthless awareness. Introspection.

They make us so loony and out of control that we have to evolve and transform.

Sometimes it’s their job to break your heart open.

And then leave.

I’m convinced that our cultural understanding of soul mates and “The One” are small, limiting incomplete.

Lacking breath and depth.

We don’t give “soul mates” enough credit for their potential emotional upheaval and transformative waves. Soul mates are not necessarily forever. Sometimes they come into our lives just to introduce us to a demon we need to beat. And then they leave.

And we must muster up the courage to let them go.

Because they were never supposed to stay.

Realize that they were the messenger and now we are left with the task of growing and evolving.

And “The One?” Doesn’t that sound a bit fairy tale-ish?

I’m not intimating that you’re not allowed strong ideas around what you want in a relationship, but the rigidity of a romance complete with zero confrontation or compromise and a partner who is an ideal height, weight, eye color and “always” gets you the perfect anniversary present?

Well, it is, perhaps, a bit unrealistic. And leaves little room for variety.

Maybe your otherwise perfect partner will always leave the wet laundry in the washer until you find it.

Maybe they like Italian food when you want sushi.

Maybe they’re THE worst gift giver and you always have to return what they buy you.

Maybe they’re not who your mother/father/co-workers/friends think you would have chosen.

Does this make them not The One?

The One is “The One” because you say so.

It’s the partner you declare THE one and only.

The partner who, in your own way, you love like they are “The One.”

So don’t discount that amazing person because of their height.

Or because you can’t complete each other’s sentences.

Or because you occasionally argue.

And don’t cling to a soulmate who’s served their purpose of opening you up and breaking you free.

You get to choose your own One.

Who you love is up to you.

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