Our intimate relationship with our significant other is a mirror of how we feel about ourselves and life in general.
Many of us face challenges with a fear of intimacy. Instead of sharing what's going on inside of us, we tell our partners everything that's going wrong in the relationships or all the mistakes he or she is making.
Little do we know how much we are damaging our relationship by giving so much more power to our fear of intimacy. This often creates anger, resentment, and an attachment to the idea that we are right.
Many just give up working through these challenges and walk away from the relationship, others continue to push their loved one away.
What we miss is that the only way out from feeling stuck in this emotional disconnection is to turn towards the pain instead of turning away. Knowing that it's OK to be vulnerable with our partner and choosing to let them understand our pain without being scared of losing ourselves.
Being aware brings freedom and fearlessness. When we look at the problem or fear and move toward it and beyond it; when we sit until we become so familiar and comfortable with it; when we talk about it openly and let our partner understand how we feel, let him or her help us and be there for us.
When we accept our emotions and fears, we allow ourselves to experience being fully human and we provide space for our partner to be closer to our heart and part of our lives.
So, if you are someone who is facing challenges opening up to your partner, below are some steps that might help you initiating an open and loving conversation:
1. Meditate on the problem you face.
Think through your problem first. Sit with your feeling and try to understand it a little bit deeper. (If you are having hard time understanding it, that’s okay, it’s very normal and eventually you’ll get there.) Try to understand what comes up for you in terms of feelings, emotions and write them down without any judgment.
2. Understand why it is important for you to tell your partner about your feelings.
This is important because it identifies the problem and helps you understand your wants and your needs.
3. Use your imagination positively.
Take a moment and visualize how would it feel like to have told your partner about this problem. What beautiful feelings come up in your heart? Where do you feel it in your body? Write your visualization, your feelings and read them over and over again.
4. Schedule an official meeting.
Send a meeting invitation to your partner and mention that you need their full attention. I found this to work really well especially to get the partner’s attention and to get them to be fully present.
5. Ask for what you need.
Before you discuss the topic, tell your partner how important it is for you to feel supported and heard during the meeting. Check-in with them to see if this is something they feel they can do. The answer is 99% of the time is yes or I will try!
6. Turn your focus towards your heart and discuss the problem.
Talk about what is going on, whether it's in your life or in your relationship. What is your heart feeling? What does it need? If this is something related to your relationship, focus only on how you feel and not on all the things that are going wrong or the mistakes that the person is making. Remember, the meeting is about YOU!
7. Request your wants.
“Ask” your partner to show care and affection when you are done talking and state
how you would like to them to help you in this journey. What do you really want from them? What do you need to feel better?
Being close to our partner is so warming, loving and peaceful that it’s hard sometimes to navigate a problem that keeps us distant. Turning towards our pain and fear does not mean that it will be very easy for us to open up, but it’s a step closer to find a way in towards our relationship instead of a way out.
This is the pathway to inner freedom, unconditional love and being a human being fully and naturally. Otherwise, we keep pushing intimacy away over and over again until we finally surrender.