Anyone that knows me knows I’m a planner. I like to know all the what’s, when’s, where’s, how’s, who’s and why’s of every situation. If I anticipate going out on Saturday night, I start planning my outfit on the Monday before (or maybe this is just a girl thing). This is not to say I don’t like surprises and spontaneous opportunities, but what happens when you have a plan but perhaps not a back-up plan? What if you go to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and there is no peanut butter? What if you intend to spend your life savings on that new BMW you’ve been lusting after, but you suddenly lose your job? Or what if, you suddenly realize that the person you thought you’d marry and have children with is no longer that person?
That is exactly what happened to me. Having been in the most beautiful relationship for 2.5 years has taught me more about myself than I will ever know. I’m sure most people can relate to this; you meet someone who can bring out the best in you and begin to see the unlimited potential of two souls creating a life together.
In past relationships I had never had the courage to be my authentic self. Having struggled with my own self worth in the past, I had finally met someone who could accept me for all that I was—regardless of my “faults” and the things I had not always been proud of.
Then there we were, deep into our relationship, deeply in love—having every girl’s dream come true conversation: marriage. In that conversation we realized we had major differences where the only solution seemed to be that there was no solution. This was a mutual decision we came to together, which left me feeling heartbroken, sad, confused, angry and every emotion that we can humanly feel.
So, what do you do when you don’t have a breakup backup plan?
1. Know that it’s okay that you don’t know
Like almost everything in our mundane life, we want to define, speculate, analyze and understand the things we don’t know. I’ve learned that I have NO idea what the universe has in store for me, but this is okay. The only way to trust this process is to surrender the ego and the need to have control. I trust that this will all make sense someday.
2. Have your pity party
Let’s face it, breaking up doesn’t just kind of suck; it really sucks. Everyone handles things differently, but the one common feeling I have found is that we all feel sad for ourselves. So, go ahead; have your pity party. Watch Lifetime, eat tons of ice-cream, go shopping and cry your eyes out. Just don’t let this last for too long…
3. Connect deeply to your spirituality
Whatever your spiritual beliefs are, I’ve found that in times like this it’s important to connect to your highest self—as Dr. Wayne Dyer would say, “The I AM” part of who you are, the divine part of yourself. I know for myself I can find my spirituality by taking my shoes off and walking through the morning dew, or simply by looking up into the trees and taking in the smallest moments. Know that there is a greater purpose and a higher path that will always lead you to unconditional love.
4. Finish things you started, Try things you’ve always wanted to
You know all those household projects you’ve been leaving unfinished—that pile of laundry that has sat in the corner for weeks? Now is a good time to clear out the old and make room for things you’ve always wanted to try. How about a new awesome workout, like POUND for example? Take a yoga class, go for a hike, read a book, take a photography class, start a blog—do anything that makes you feel powerful and happy alone. Be the person you’ve always wanted to be without anyone. Know that this is your time to discover more about yourself so that when the right person comes into your life, you are ready.
5. Surround yourself with positive influence
You used to spend morning, noon and night with that person… and now you spend morning, noon and night by yourself. It can feel lonely at first. Be careful about who you surround yourself with during this time. Surround yourself with people who you want to be; they are a direct reflection of yourself. Know that the people who love you the most will always be there for you. Spend time with your mom, dad, grandma and the people you often didn’t have time for before. Make this an integral part of your life.
Everything about this past relationship will always be special to me. It has shown me how to love, how to be truthful to myself and stand up for my beliefs. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward on your journey.