I've been married two years. Two awesome and lovely years. Two years I wouldn't trade for any other years even if someone offered: "Hey, wanna trade your two years for mine?"
I don't have kids yet. Notice I said yet. I want to take advantage of this time before we do because I know full well that life changes with children. I have nephews. I have friends. I have eyes. Having said that, a lot of my friends say that having a baby brought them closer to their spouse. I am not prepared to write about that as it would be like the desert trying to describe an ocean. It can't really know what it's like.
What I do know is that kids or no kids, it is important to keep the spark alive. And as I can only speak to what I know - here are 5 ways to spark your sex life.
1) Feel sexy
I know when I am struggling with my old eating disorder demons, which rear their ugly head once in a while, I feel like a monster. It is a very old tape but once it starts playing I feel bad about myself. Then I start projecting that nonsense. It's hard for someone else to find you sexy and irresistible when you yourself feel disgusting, or fat, or ugly, or any of the other detrimental adjective we can conjure up. So go out and make yourself feel sexy, dammit!
Go get a manicure or pedicure. Get your hair done. Go exercise; it'll release endorphins and make you feel better within 20 minutes. Write a love letter to yourself. Do something you are really good at. Put on your favorite outfit. Put on some nice shoes.
Whatever it takes, just make yourself feel sexy.
2) Let someone else make you feel sexy
My husband thinks I am the most gorgeous woman in the world (God bless his sweet soul!). Oftentimes, I deflect his affections or attention because I either don't feel sexy and beautiful or because I am busy working. Whatever the reason is, it creates a profound cause and effect. It's very hard for two people to be intimate with one another if one party is shutting the other down or is not willing to accept the love. If someone is trying to make you feel sexy - let them.
3) Get the heck outta Dodge!
Get out of town. I now lead retreats all around the world so sometimes I take my husband with me. I cannot express enough the importance of this is. I know you may not be a yoga teacher and you may not even be able to leave the state, but get away regardless.
Go camp out on the beach. Go get a hotel room down the street. Go do something that is out of the ordinary and feels special and different. Trust me, having sex somewhere else is exciting. I don't care how long you have been married or how long it has been since you've done the deed. It's the spark that will reignite that flame. It doesn't have to be expensive or fancy. It just needs to be not at home. It needs to feel a little magical.
We all want that little bit of magic.
4) Date night
Once a week. Once a month. Whatever! Just do it. Go see a movie. Get dressed up. Have dinner. Stay in and stay naked but plan it and do it. Be present for it. Shut off Facebook and cell phones. If you have kids, get a babysitter. Date each other. People who date each other want to sleep with each other. You start to find things that are interesting and sexy about the other person that you may have forgotten or never even known. Why should we stop dating or getting to know each other just because we have been together a while or gotten married? Date. Each. Other.
5) Focus on YOU
It's boring to be with someone who makes you the focus of their life 100% of the time. I used to be that someone. I dated a man many years ago and my happiness completely revolved around him. I was terribly unhappy at the time and had nothing that made me feel alive so I put everything on him. Now, with my husband, I have my own passions and career and dreams. That is not to say he isn't a part of it. He is very much a part of it but I am my own person and that in itself is wildly sexy to men and women. We want someone that has something to talk about, that has a fire inside of them.
Don't beat yourself up if you don't have a passion right now (beating yourself is way unsexy), but rather go out and start finding things that make you feel good. When you come together with your partner you then have that goodness inside of you, ready to spread it.
The bottom line is this: Connection is important. Find ways to get creative and to keep it fresh. Just like we need to do with every area of our lives. Our sex life is no different. Sometimes it needs a kick in the pants. Sometimes it needs a good yoga class or a big drink of wine or a new haircut or a date night.
Whatever it needs, provide it. Be sexy. Be you 100%.