After just going through a break-up and reading articles talking about the benefits of breaking up, how we can learn so much, and what a blessing in disguise this all truly is, I’d like to just say…. Actually, Breakups SUCK!
Suckity suck suck suck!
So now that that’s out of my system, what can we learn? Well, I suppose, it depends on the relationship and certainly the breakup, but there’s always some knowledge to be gained, I’m sure…
And see I’ve learned a huge lesson right up front and quite clearly. That my exboyfriend sucks! Now, my dog tried to tell me this a year ago, but did I listen? Noooooo, of course not, because I was all in love and stuff. (I’m a firm believer that we should listen to our canine friends… And might I just mention that his dog loved me!)
But seriously, this isn’t actually a prose to complain about the demise of my relationship or my ex, but rather to offer that most people go through a range of emotions after breaking up and to say that feeling them is absolutely OK. As researchers are estimating that over 90% of health issues are psychosomatic, I want my junk to come up and out! Hence, the above rant (which isn’t entirely rational or true). I think most people, who have had their hearts broken, occasionally have less than loving thoughts about their partner-no-longer. And I say feel it, own it (maybe have a tantrum) and then let it go.
Breakups can make you feel like you’re on emotional overload, swinging from one mood to the next and then back again. You might feel angry, sad, vulnerable, scared, lost, alone, etc. And then you might feel liberated, joy, release and peace. And you also might feel all of these emotions in just one day. Maybe even in just one hour. That’s a lot to deal with! What’s even harder to deal with is trying to control it all, repress it, ignore it, fight it and push it away. So, don’t. Make life and the breakup easier on yourself by allowing yourself to truly feel whatever it is your feeling so you can then let it go (or move with it, if it’s positive).
In breaking up, the letting go is certainly the hardest part, so break it down and just let go in the moment. Or let go of the moment. Then it doesn’t seem so huge. Take it day by day. Whether or not we’re the breakup-er or breakup-ee, when we’re with someone it’s inevitable not to get attached. You develop routines, your time is spent together, and you develop the thought of “we” rather than “me.” So it becomes not only about detaching from your partner, but the idea of them and your relationship; your plans, your dreams, your intentions for the future.
The only way, I’ve found, to detach is to let go of trying to shove my emotions into a box. To give to myself the understanding and kindness I need to go through all those crazy feelings without shame. And then to offer compassion rather than judgment no matter how weak I sometimes feel. I allow myself to be sad and to lean on the people that love me, as I’ve come to realize that pushing things away and ignoring how I feel does nothing, but save those gnarly emotions up for later.
It’s also through this allowance of feeling freely, that I believe we get to know ourselves better. And I’ll bet you’ll like you and that you’re stronger than you think you are. Ultimately, as crappy as breakups can be, it truly is a time for growth, if you allow yourself to do so. In the end, you won’t feel this way forever. So feel it and then let go, breathing into the freedom that you’re moving on, forward and from one adventure to the next in this beautiful journey of life.
image via Gabriella Camerotti / Flickr