I'm a big advocate of sex dates. No dinner. No movie. No walk in the park. Just sex. Here's why they're so important to our well-being.
You often hear how couples set aside “date night.” It’s their special evening where they make time for each other, without distractions. It might involve dinner, or a movie. Or a walk in the park. Maybe even sex.
Think about the other self-care regimens you have. Do you leave them to chance? Hoping that you’ll eventually get around to them? Or do you look at your calendar and figure out when to make them happen?
For me, it’s important for my overall well-being that I exercise every day. I practice yoga, Pilates, swimming and running. Each week, I take a look at my schedule and figure out which yoga and Pilates classes will mesh with my work and social commitments. I slot them into my calendar.
I make it happen.
It’s equally important for my overall wellbeing that I experience sensual pleasure every day. Even if it’s only with myself.
I make that happen too.
One of the first things I do when I’m working with couples, is to have them carve out a minimum three-hour weekly sex date.
Yes. Three hours devoted exclusively to sex.
If they can commit to the same day or night each week, that’s great. If not, we whip out their calendars and the scheduling begins.
Some couples want to commit to more than once. So they do.
One couple I was coaching felt that their optimum was four times a week. Plus bonuses.
The conversation sounded like this:
“I have rock climbing til six on Sunday.”
“Then we have dinner at the Mike and Jana’s.”
“Hmmm. How about 8:30-10:30?”
“What about Tuesday morning?”
And so on.
One of the first things people ask me is “Doesn’t that take the spontaneity out of it?”
Does knowing you are going to a yoga class at 6pm tonight take the bliss out of it?
In our busy, modern lifestyles, we can’t leave important things to chance. Or they won’t happen.
Sex is vitally important to your well-being and your relationship’s well-being.
It tends to be easy at the beginning of a relationship. We put a lot of attention and energy into developing the connection with our partner, and our sex lives reflect this. They thrive.
As time goes on and we feel secure in the relationship, we turn our focus elsewhere. Eventually, the lack of attention shows up in bed. It isn’t that a natural biochemical drop-off happens after several years. It’s that we prioritize our connection less and that shows up in our physiology.
It doesn’t have to be three hours every time. I suggest at least one three-hour chunk of time weekly where you can open and relax into the experience. You can experiment with massage, fantasies and techniques to add depth and variety to your repertoire. That’s how you grow.
Plan ahead. Text each other your desires for the evening. The anticipation becomes sexy foreplay.
I was explaining my weekly three-hour sex date philosophy to the owner at my Pilates studio. She smiled and said “Sunday morning!” The other instructors in the lobby laughed and nodded. “Yeah,” they said. She doesn’t answer her phone until noon on Sundays. Ever.”
That’s why she glows.