It's Been Lovely, But I Have to Scream Now

Written by Jeri Senor

"Remember, falling on your face is still moving forward." ~ The Unknown Comic

I am on a topsy-turvy roller coaster ride that, well... just doesn’t seem to want to end. Now I assure you, I like a good ride just like the rest of you. But, there is such a thing as the ride going on for way longer than what you thought you paid for. I may not know the value of things sometimes, but hmmm… me-thinks that I owe somebody some money. And, in this down-turned economy, trust me when I say, extended rides are no way to make ends meet.

So, what it is that has my Shakti-Kundalini (feminine aspect of divine consciousness residing at the base of the spine) energy’s dander up besides the fact that I do practices that encourage the raising of that powerful seductress? Well, if you will indulge me, I will begin by creating lot’s of drama (something I try to inspire others not to do, but what the heck) around this ‘the ride can stop anytime please stop the ride now’ thing that I am experiencing. I am going to share this because I know that there are others out there in this inexhaustible space that are on the same ride as me. At least, I hope so. Sorry to wish anyone so much angst, but I really don’t want to think that I am all alone here, that would be way more than I could be expected to handle… right?

Okay, here goes. My offering, or better yet, my well-intended rant. My roller coaster ride saga. My, “It’s been lovely (and, really it has), but I have to scream now (can I please get off?)” plea for Shakti-Kundalini to please take a sedative or something and go the hell back to sleep.

Have you ever been so in tune with your deepest, truest nature that time, space and thought cease? Just completely and totally present... in the now moment? Not at all thinking, just feeling? One-hundred percent pure lost in being-ness? And, oh my gosh, in those moments everything makes perfect sense? There is no resistance at all? Being is peaceful… easy? You just are, and it just is?

It’s a profound experience of union and interconnectedness with all things. It’s a feeling of complete harmony and oneness. In this elevated state of unity consciousness, the love that is at the root of all things (to clarify, this is pure conjecture as my perception of love being at the root of all things may be way different than yours, and truths are many) just spontaneously and effortlessly pours out. There is no fear or anxiety or sadness because there is no sense of separateness. You seem to feel ‘in-love’ with everyone and everything.

Now, I absolutely realize that this sounds over-the-top ooey, gooey, gushy, and sixties-flower-child-like (which is way out of style). But, listen up you ‘rollers of your eyes because this is so sickeningly sweet’, I happen to know this experience exists. I have had the experience. And, I love this state of pure being. Well, this gooey you feel ‘in-love’ part is, in fact, the lovely part. The part of the ride that I thought I paid for (actually, the love-ride is free, but it doesn’t fit into my musings right now). This feeling totally ‘in-love’ part of the ride I never ever in a million gazillion years want to get off of… ever.

The part that is not lovely, and that makes me want to end the ride (doesn't this ticket have an expiration date or something?), to scream, to sedate Shakti-Kundalini (or enable her to magically arrive at her destination without having to rise up my spine thereby creating all sorts of chaos) is that unity consciousness isn’t what I am experiencing all of the time. The ride that I experience the rest of the time is scary, irrational, inconsistent, depressing, dark, empty, lonely, changing, and dependent on my ego’s whims.

This part of the ride is marked by my ego clinging to everything that isn’t threatening it’s petty existence. Darn thing attaches to and identifies itself with every thought, emotion and temporal experience that it can stick it’s grubby claws into. And, it is so cunning that, it has found a way of attaching itself even to the loveliness… go figure. So there I am on the lovely part of the ride and the ego decides to attach to it and, then, it goes away because you cannot have the ego attachment and have the loveliness at the same time. Now, who made that rule? Paradoxes... never did like em.

I tell you, I am way (yes, way) attached to all kinds of ’stuff’. Some of it is fluffy and fun, some of it is primordial and sexy, and some of it is elusive and scary. (And, then of course, there is the attachment to attachment and so it goes...)

Now, the roller coaster is really fun at first. I mean, for some of us it is our favorite ride and we would generally wait a long time just to get on. But, we also know that it only stays fun if you can get off every now and again (or if you can maintain the lovely part of the ride and not become attached). And, currently I haven’t been able to get off nor have I been able to detach from the loveliness. And, I tell the carnival attendee, amidst tears, that I need to p-l-e-a-s-e get off. He doesn’t seem to hear me or maybe he delights in my distress (could he be my ego?). And, so I feel forced to scream, “Stop this f*cking ride you moron”. Still, the ride continues. I guess calling the carnival attendee a such and such moron didn’t help (negativity never gets me the result I want... grrrr).

I am beginning to understand why people seek counseling. Some things are just really scary and complicated and you just get a little weirded (is that a word?) out. Now, I realize that there are those of us who think that ‘freaking out’ is out of fashion and shows a lack of some sort of spirituality or of being centered and healthy. I actually used to be one of those really judgmental persons who thought that not being able to ‘handle things’ or to always be ‘okay’, with whatever the heck was going on was really ridiculous and dramatic and well, just weak. I felt sorry for those people in an “I am superior to you because I am always happy” sort of way. “Just buck up” would be my advice.

Nowadays (due to my own inability to “buck up”), I wonder, why can’t we freak out? What is so wrong with freaking out? Why do we always need to be so tidy and comfortable and in control (isn’t it amazing how one can change one’s view when it is in her best interest to do so?). I mean, many a spiritual savant advises, “be with it, invite it in, surrender, resist nothing, ride the wave of life, go with the flow, yadda, yadda, yadda”. I myself (though not a spiritual anything let alone a savant) say these things, frequently. And, I believe them or at least, I want to. I interpret these wisdom morsels to mean that if you are freaking out, then at the very least, know that you are freaking out. Acknowledge it wholeheartedly. Dive in and partake of the freaking-out-ness of it all. Watch it. Shine the light of being-ness on it, and then for God’s sake (literally) have the spiritual depth and decency to sit with what happens.

Because it is all relevant. It can provide an opportunity to move into the inner sanctuary of joy and peace that I described earlier. It can be a way to experience the loveliness while the ego diminishes. That poor sap (ego) that feeds on your clinginess, has to let go a bit when you have the courage to walk right up to it, look it in the eye, say “hello”, and then politely and respectfully ask it in for tea. (Just one cup though. That slippery ego has a charming quality that entices even those who are the most wide-awake to get sleepy again.)

Maybe, then, the ride isn’t so bad after all. Maybe, we cannot ever get off of the ride so we might as well be with it, enjoy it, play along. Maybe it is all lovely… even the screaming.

I cannot give myself or you any kind of conclusive anything here. I am suspended between my energy’s lower vibratory frequency of unconsciousness/sedation and the higher vibratory frequency of wakeful consciousness. My particles can’t make a decision. They are caught in chaos, and chaos is a strange attractor indeed. I will have to wait it out until enough particles are attracted that some semblance of order can emerge a.k.a. I am on the ride and I ain’t gettin’ off anytime soon. So, I will choose to just be with the ride… all of it. The highs, the lows and the in-betweens. The loveliness and the screams.

I can assure you of this though... I will diligently continue my yoga practice. I will read spiritual works, practice yoga asana and teach, sit on my meditation cushion and watch my breath, meet with like minded folk, eat and drink and dance with a fullness and a gusto that borders on insanity. I will pester people, talk too much, and perhaps, on occasion, go deeper into the noise. And, I will try to remember that falling on your face, in a weird sort of way, is indeed still moving forward. I will greet the loveliness and abide in it when it is apparent. And, by golly, I will scream (if I feel I need or want to) when it is not.

So, whether the ticket expires or not doesn’t really seem to matter. Just holding on and occasionally screaming “Giddy up” or a good solid “Woo Hoo” may fare better than any feeble attempt to get off this roller coaster ride we call life.

Hmm... did I just save myself hundreds of dollars in counseling fees? Yep, I believe I did. "Woo Hoo"...

.... Hey, did someone just steal my ticket?

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