A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for a checkup and of course had to step on the scale as part of the appointment. When I saw my weight on the scale, I was…curious.
"Hmm. I weigh less than I thought I did. Interesting." That's it.
No celebration or expectation of my life changing now that I weighed less than I did before. Just a simple stating of a fact and moving on.
Weight is simply the number that indicates your gravitational push on the mass of the earth. The one that so many women spend their lives trying to change, only to be disappointed to find that no matter how minimal their impact on the mass of the earth, their lives remain the same. The same issues in their lives still exist because becoming smaller never made anyone happier on the inside.
When I was deep in my orthorexic days, I tried really hard to pretend like my weight didn't matter, but in reality I wanted so badly to drop just a few more pounds.
A few more pounds, and my body would finally be "right." It wouldn't look so disproportionate. My curves would show in all the "right" places and I'd lose the chub in all the "wrong" places. A few more pounds, and others would finally love me. They would see that I'm dedicated to nutrition and fitness and that I really care about being healthy.
Others would understand how it "should" be done and the results that they can achieve if they just try a little harder in the gym and kitchen. A few more pounds, and I would finally feel good about myself. I would finally get that dream life I wanted where I stopped craving sugar, where choosing the healthiest food was effortless and not a chore, where I woke up and felt light, free, and joyful. A life where the first task of my day wasn't an ab check.
A few more pounds, and I would be worthy. Damn. All this waiting on my gravitational push on the earth. Sounds ridiculous when you call it what it is, right? Just a silly number. And I let it control my life for years.
So, how did I get to where I am now? How did I move from feeling cray-cray around food, body checking constantly, and nightly binges…to just not giving a damn about my weight?
I've done a lot of internal work to heal my warped body image and funky relationship to food. And now I know that my weight just does not matter.