I'd heard from famous speakers like Zig Ziglar that happiness lies in the giving. "You'll get what you want if you just help enough other people get what they want," he said. I was lucky enough to have been exposed to Zig's messages when I was at rock bottom, living with my parents, jobless, and broken. Otherwise, I don't know if I would've made it.
As it was, I took Zig's messages to heart. A complete 180 was my only option, so I started helping others through the written word. But in order to stick with the whole "living for others" bit, I had to unlearn the selfish habits that had made me behave like a narcissist. It started with giving up porn.
Porn had always been my biggest crutch. Whenever I was bored, anxious, nervous, or unsure, I turned to porn. The dopamine release was like crack, which distracted me from any uncomfortable feelings I had. But there was one hitch: In all of that self-pleasure, I never actually learned a thing about myself—and I sure as hell didn't think about making life better for others. It had to go.
The next thing I nixed was casual dating.
My friends and family had described me as a hopeless romantic because I was never happy out of love. As long as I was in a relationship, I didn't have to shoulder the responsibility of fulfilling myself—I didn't have to think about how I was making life better for others. If I was giving my girlfriend wild sex, and if the relationship was entertaining, I could lose myself till it ended, which it always did. And when it did, I focused on getting into another one so that I didn't have to be lonely—so that I could lose myself. Giving wasn't part of the equation, so I had to let the casual relationships go.
Finally, I gave up dependency.
Your life heads in the direction of your thoughts. When my habitual thoughts were about others serving me—like my mom and dad cooking, cleaning, and providing shelter for me—it was impossible to break out of my selfish patterns. But as I cured myself of narcissism, as I helped others through my writing, and as I grew my profession, I started thinking more about providing for myself. And then one day, I made the leap.
I had to think about myself to survive. I worked hard and improved as a writer so that I could eat, but the motivation wasn't just for me. I wanted to eat so that I could write, and I wanted to write so that I could help others improve their lives. The better I got at providing for myself, the more valuable my messages became. And after one full year of living solo, I'd left narcissism in the mirror.