Sexuality Is A Spectrum. Here's How To Liberate Yourself From Labels

Sexuality Is A Spectrum. Here's How To Liberate Yourself From Labels Hero Image

Question: I am a heterosexual female, and I find myself attracted to an awesome female friend of mine—who is a lesbian. I'm really comfortable around her, and I find myself wanting to be around her all the time. I want to hold and kiss her, but I'm afraid. How do I get more comfortable being intimate with her? She would be the first girl I've ever kissed.

So you've never kissed a girl before, but you think you might like it. Why does that sound so familiar? I think it might have something to do with Katy Perry. But kissing another woman isn't just the subject of a pop song—it happens to be a fairly common impulse for women who identify as heterosexual.

In fact, a 2011 Boise State University study concluded that 60 percent of heterosexual women are attracted to other women. Another study published in Psychology of Women Quarterly found that nearly 70 percent of college students, both women and men, have been to a party where they witnessed two girls who identify as straight making out. You shouldn't feel alone or ashamed about wanting to kiss another girl. Women are incredibly sensual beings. The main focus is to make sure your intentions are pure and you are doing it for you.

And let's not forget that sexuality exists on a spectrum. Some people fall into the categories of hyper- or hyposexual. Where do you think you might fall on the scale of sexuality? Ask yourself these questions to find out:

1. Do you find that you are interested in kissing another girl but still consider yourself heterosexual and attracted to men?

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2. Do you fear that after kissing a girl you may no longer identify as heterosexual but as bisexual or lesbian?

3. Do you normally find yourself expressing your sexual desires and having high sexual energy?

If you said yes to two or more of these questions, then you might be hypersexual. If you said no to two or more of the questions then you are might be hyposexual.

Regardless of your answer, here's my advice on how to proceed.

1. Get out of your head:

Depending on what ideas you grew up with, you might have guilt or shame around the idea of having a same-sex partner. But in order to live authentically, you have to let go of that old paradigm.

It's always best to have communication, so tell your friend that you're attracted to her. Let her know that you've been having these fantasies about kissing her and see how she responds. Keep in mind, though, that some lesbians aren't up for being a straight woman's first experiment. Others might find it fun to help you explore your sexuality. But you won't know how your friend feels until you talk to her.

This can seem scary at first because you're pushing the boundaries of your own sexuality and your own taboos. It could lead to more, or it could be something very innocent. You don't know yet. Just be open and honest to your friend about your desire, and make sure that you keep establishing your own boundaries and communicating.

If your friend is open to it, then let nature take its course. Tantra is really about being authentic to yourself and your sexuality and not feeling ashamed to explore things that aren't harmful to the rest of your life.

2. Accept that women are sensual.

Exploring sensuality is natural even though as women, we might have been taught to repress those urges. But women are incredibly sensual. In tantra, women are actually considered to be more sexual than men because we have more Shakti, which is a sexual life force—the feminine quality of desire, eroticism, and sensuality. One of the main principles of tantra is learning how to switch on your sensuality. But that doesn't necessarily mean having sex. With that in mind, it's not unusual for you, a woman, to feel an urge to kiss another woman—even if you identify as heterosexual.

3. Make sure you're doing this for you.

Feeling like you can explore your sexuality without shame or judgment is very empowering. But exploring for the sake of attention or giving in to any sort of societal or peer pressure is the complete opposite. Based on your question, your interest sounds like a natural desire and not something you think you should be doing in order to keep up with other girls.

So many women and girls like posting pictures on social media. They're doing it for the 'gram—trying to be sexy, trying to get attention or trying to keep up with what others are doing. But really, they are out of touch with their own bodies and don't know what feels good to them.

True empowerment and sexual liberation come from listening to your urges, doing what feels good to you, letting go of shame, and being willing to try new things. Learning how to get out of our heads and into our bodies is one of the most important steps in a fully expressed, full life.