Tantra Might Be The Key To Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction: Here's What You Need To Know

Question:

I've been married for almost 10 years to a wonderful man. Over the last five years, we/he has struggled with medical erectile dysfunction. (I hate those words.) We have tried many ways to continue to enjoy sex — orally, manually, using medication, which sometimes helps for a few minutes but more often does not. I fear that since so much time has passed, anxiety is now adding to the problem. We've discussed him seeing a therapist and perhaps couples counseling, but I can only encourage him. He still has yet to actually make steps to address it.

I've done so much research on how to support him and read so much about how to turn off my longing that I've become almost incapable of having an orgasm — even by myself. I feel like I'm going to implode sometimes, and thoughts of clandestine sex with strangers test my fidelity.

What I can do to calm myself and my jangling desires, ease my frustration, and continue to provide the attention my husband needs to achieve orgasm without becoming resentful or thinking of sex with him as a chore or feeling too guilty to enjoy it? It's tearing me apart in mind, body, and spirit.

I hate the words "erectile dysfunction" too. Doctors are so quick to put labels on issues they can't fix. But, in the world of holistic health, people often have breakthroughs when they try alternative methods.

We need to get to the root, which is often difficult to do because of shame. Men often struggle to have honest conversations with themselves and their partners about the psychological things that might have triggered ED. This is not their fault, and they're not even trying to be dishonest. They've been shamed so much that it's difficult for them to even find the truth in themselves.

Certain foods, such as soy and dairy products, can actually increase estrogen production. There are diets, such as the Paleo diet, which is high in meat, fish, vegetables, and fruit, and excludes dairy, grain, and processed food, that can actually boost his testosterone.

It's not unusual for men experiencing ED to want to avoid talking about it or avoid going to therapy because society has created such deep shame around it. Sex is still such a taboo that most of us don't even know how our own bodies work. But, as understanding as you may be, you also need him to take serious action to fix this problem. Be patient, but give him an ultimatum. Ask him to go through these checklists and look at everything on this list by a certain date. If you don't, he might never be motivated to act.

While he's working out his ED issues, you can teach him new ways to give you pleasure without penetration and in a way that actually might bring you closer emotionally and spiritually.

One technique to try is the tantric breast massage. This is all about your pleasure, so don't even worry about his arousal. Take the pressure off him and focus on you. Have him create a sensual scene that relaxes you — candles, soft music, incense. He'll start by dripping coconut oil between your breasts and massaging you gently around the breasts, on your belly, and just above your pubic bone.

Once you feel turned on, he can move on to massaging your breasts. Here, he can start by circling the breasts, then gently squeezing and massaging them. It's OK to instruct him along the way and let him know what feels good.

Once your body responds and wants more, he can move onto your nipples. Here, he'll start by tracing the areolae with a featherlike touch until the nipples become erect. Then he can move on to pinching. Pinching from the root of the nipple stimulates oxytocin. This mimics breastfeeding, so it should be a firm pinch that may feel painful for a second, but then become a rush of pleasure. If you pinch the nipples harder, there is a larger surge of oxytocin and more pleasure.

From the strong pinch, you can move on to the rolling technique. Start pinching the nipples firmly at the root and begin rolling the nipple between the thumb and index finger. Play with varying pressure from lighter to very strong. Rolling can create even deeper waves of oxytocin release.

Keep breathing through all of this, and if your mind wanders, focus on the sound of your breath.