I Couldn't Decide If I Should Freeze My Eggs. Here's How Meditation Helped
My phone chirped as I was in the middle of a video conference call. I glanced down and recognized the number as a potential client I had just ended a conversation with. Her text read, "Have you frozen your eggs yet?"
I knew instantly that she had found an article of mine online from the year before. Her texts continued to pour in throughout my conference call.
"Do it," she wrote. "You owe it to yourself to do this. Trust me."
The last text referenced the fertility specialist she used, so I pulled up the fertility specialist's website. His fertility clinic was hosting an IVF informational seminar the following weekend. All I had to do was RSVP.
I couldn't. I was scared. It was the answer I knew I was looking for, but I wasn't mentally prepared to act. Preserving my fertility had been on my mind all year. I was turning 38 in a few months, and this urge to take action had slowly crept its way into the forefront of my mind.
I've worked on my spiritual journey hard for the past decade. My meditation practice helped me answer three important questions as I've navigated this emotional fertility journey.
Should I freeze my eggs?
I sat high on my sitz bones and closed my eyes. I placed my hands on my thighs and inhaled deeply. And deeper. I held my breath for a few seconds and exhaled slowly. As I exhaled, I let the thought form. Should I freeze my eggs? A lump formed in my throat. My eyes stung from tears pooling behind my lids. My heart raced. I could feel the beat in my ears. I kept my eyes closed and cried. The energy running through my body was clear. My body buzzed and the more I cried, the more peaceful I felt.
I continued breathing and let my mind search. It didn't take long. An image of a little boy appeared in front of me. Instead of crying and feeling constricted, I felt joyful. He was my answer. There was peace and I was lead to it throughout my meditation session. When I was ready to come back to the present, I RSVP'd to the IVF seminar.
Is he the right fertility specialist for me?
The following weekend, I met the doctor and listened to him explain the process I was entering into. I was prepared to feel emotional and prepared to make life-altering decisions immediately. I wasn't prepared to feel confused, frustrated, and overwhelmed. Freezing eggs is a science. There are many layers and factors that play a role. Before agreeing to work with my fertility specialist I climbed back onto my meditation pillow and, once again, searched for answers.
With my eyes lightly closed and my muscles relaxed, I let my mind wander. I set the intention to get a clear understanding of the fertility clinic. Was it the right one for me? My body stayed relaxed. My hips loosened, my breathing slowed down, and thoughts disappeared from my mind. After a while, I started to sway back and forth on the pillow. It was as though someone was rocking me, comforting me as I stayed deep in my meditation. Peaceful. At ease. Soon, my head started to bob up and down. I got my answer.
Yes, it was the right clinic. The sense of peace stayed with me as I opened my eyes.
How can I go through with this?
I started this process in mid-May. It's beyond emotional. It's draining, stressful, inconvenient, insanely expensive, and harsh to go through.
For a single woman, it's also a lonely one. There were times that I questioned whether I could really do it. In a matter of six weeks, I was on 16 different fertility drugs. One shot consisted of 10,000 milligrams of hormones. I had lab work done every three days and countless ultrasounds.
On the days the hormones took over my state of being, I fought my meditation practice. I didn't want to do it. The fertility drugs altered me and my routines and habits and ripped up my comfort zone.
I also knew my meditation practice was the only thing that would help me find peace within this journey. During the incredibly hard moments, I would find a quiet spot in which to practice my transcendental meditation. And my intention was always the same. Show me how I can get through this. I would inhale slowly, exhale slowly, and let my mind show me answers.
And it always delivered.