Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this post, Psalm explains how to fully engage every one of your five senses in the sacred sexual act and how to use anticipation for more pleasurable sex. For more of Psalm’s insights on the tantric approach to sex and relationships, explore her class, Tantra 101: Awaken Your Sexuality & Deepen Your Mind-Body-Soul Connection.
Anticipation: We tend to overlook it, don't we? When we're looking forward to something, we want to rush to the main event, forgetting how much fun there is in waiting. It's like watching the trailers for movies before the film starts.
We become so focused on the reward of seeing the story that everything beforehand can feel like a waste of time. But, in reality, anticipation is the secret to creating an intimate environment and unlocking your sensuality.
Think of your routine to get ready for a date. You don't just shower and throw on the first dress or pair of jeans you see. You turn getting ready into a ritual by putting time into picking out your outfit, fixing your hair, and putting on your makeup.
That wasn't solely to impress the person you were meeting. The ritual helps you feel confident. It helps you set aside insecurities and reveal your inner light. That experience adds to the anticipation of the experience. You set important time aside for yourself to feel good and get into your zone—you created a sacred space for yourself.
To take your sex life to the next level, you must bring that intention to it as well. To begin this tantric journey, form your intention with an affirmation called sankalpa. Sankalpa is a Sanskrit word meaning "the seed of your intention."
If you're single and have been attracting all the wrong people, you might set an intention to find a committed partner. Your affirmation could be, "I'm in a committed relationship with a person who loves me for who I am."
If you're in a long-term relationship and have hit some dry spells, you might be seeking more passion. Your affirmation could be, "I have sex with my partner every day."
It doesn't matter what your intention is, as long as it's personal and meaningful to you. You have to be clear on what you want to start to attract it. To make it feel real, write your affirmation on a piece of paper and put it in a special place—somewhere visible—wherever that may be for you. Your intention is a promise you make to yourself, your affirmation is inviting it in, and putting it somewhere significant acts as your daily reminder.
Just like a seed, your intention is fragile. It will only grow if you feed it. So, let your senses guide you in creating a sacred space for a fulfilling sexual experience that will allow you both to feel alive and fully surrender to giving and receiving pleasure. Here's how:
Clear out the clutter in your bedroom—even the dust bunnies under your bed. "I was so turned on the minute I stepped into his dirty, messy room," said no one ever. A lazy environment promotes lazy sex. A clean space is a sacred space, worthy of two lovers bonding physically. You can also think about clearing out what's under the bed as symbolic of clearing out anything that could hold you back from expressing your shining, fullest self. Add candles to create soft light and serenity.
Think of the last time you saw a blissful sunset—how transcendent its glow was. Or have you ever noticed how relaxing it is to sit and watch a fire? That's because when your vision is engaged by the dancing fire, you move into a state of soft fascination.
Bring that same sense of appreciation and awe to the way you look into your partner's eyes. Take each other in fully, mindfully building anticipation.
The scents and tastes:
Put some chocolate on your nightstand. When you begin the process of getting intimate, wave the piece of chocolate under your noses, absorbing the seductive aroma. As you each smell it, take 45 long, deep breaths, and observe your senses—you may begin to salivate.
Next, trace the chocolate square with the tip of your tongue, licking it ever-so-gently. Appreciate the creamy, silky, smooth, sensual texture of the chocolate on your soft, wet lips. Do this for about 35 breaths to truly savor the sensation.
Instead of just rushing into sex, really get physically ready and excited. Only then should you start exploring one another as you lick, kiss, and nibble your way from head to toe. As with every tantra exercise, breathing deeply is the secret to unlocking mindfulness, becoming more present, and really making that mind, body, and spirit connection.
Music can trigger different moods and really heighten emotions. So you definitely don't want Comedy Central on in the background when you're making your moves. You also don't want to be interrupted by a call or Facebook notification. Turn off the TV, your cellphone, and any and all electronic devices that aren't going to contribute soothing sounds.
Eliminating distractions helps you focus on each other and more accurately read each other's bodies. To do that, play rhythmic sounds like isochronic tones. They awaken the kundalini—the sexual energy and heat inside of you—just like an orgasm that builds before full release.
The sounds you make are equally arousing. When you're using that piece of chocolate as a sensual tool, don't be silent. Make as many "mmm, mmm" sounds as you would if you were eating a decadent cake. Don't hold back. The vibrations you create with that sound will engage you both further and make you more present.
The only temptation should be right in front of you. You can also hum when you're kissing or licking one another or giving oral pleasure. The humming sensation provides a very stimulating vibration.
Place a bottle of your favorite massage oil next to the bed. You can mix it with one of your most intoxicating essential oils. Try adding a few drops of rose essential oil, which open the heart chakra up for love.
This sense is so powerful that tender touch, like caressing your lover's body with long strokes, tracing his or her body with your fingers, can lead to multiple and full-body orgasms. It's a wonderful way to communicate with your partner. The brain and body are constantly sending signals back and forth, and when the body is touched in an erotic, slow, and gentle way, it sends the message to release hormones that help us experience pleasure and happiness.
When you practice touch and massage, it's actually rewiring you and your partner on a deeper level and strengthening your connection. You're not solely engaging in a great sexual experience. That sexual energy inside of you is now creative fuel for everything in your life.