I had just finished a session with a beautiful 28-year-old client. During our session she had been in tears, voice wavering as she shared with me everything she’d just been through. I could tell that despite her pain, she was still trying to be strong.
She told me that after dating a good friend for months, and sleeping with him every week, he’d never quite committed to her or the relationship.
She also shared with me that throughout their “relationship” he’d been flirting with other women, and instead of being monogamous with her, he’d kept other relationships on the side.
When we explored this relationship from the very beginning, the woman I'll call Liza explained that she had started the relationship by telling this man that she wasn't looking for anything serious.
Liza had used this strategy to try to show that she was an empowered woman who wasn’t needy or waiting around for a man to give her life meaning. She’d been sure that telling him this and coming across as strong and independent was the best way to prove to him that she was a a desirable partner—not the average “needy” or “clingy” female that our culture suggests makes men run for the hills.
She began her relationship under the false pretense of not needing much commitment. While many of us can relate to Liza’s hesitation to be honest about her intentions, we also know that when we say one thing and mean another, the only purpose served is the betrayal of our true emotions.
Betraying our true emotions doesn’t just hurt us. It’s also very unfair to our partners. Men quickly recognize this emotional dishonesty in women and it translates into a lack of attraction and connection. It also breeds distrust.
Whatever the reason for this duplicity, one fact remains. When hiding your true intentions and feelings, you build a relationship on a false foundation. Healthy relationships have a core of emotional trust and safety. When this is missing, it blocks your partner from fully giving his heart to you.
Think about it. We don’t trust people who betray themselves. And why should we?
Aren’t we taught to love ourselves first? Betraying yourself, hiding your needs, and concealing your emotions is showing your partner that you don’t consider your feelings valuable or worthy and that you rely on an inauthentic version of yourself to feel lovable.
This communicates to him on a subconscious level that he can’t let his guard down and be his authentic self with you.
Many of you have asked me, “How can I be honest with myself without being considered 'needy'?”
The answer is simpler than you may imagine. Being honest with your interest in commitment and monogamy is not needy.
Neediness is taking more than we give in relationship because we haven't done the inner work necessary to heal ourselves. If you are struggling with neediness, ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way? What emotional wounds have I not dealt with?"
When we are truly needy, we take more than we give. The more quickly we heal ourselves, the more quickly we will be able to give the vulnerable and authentic love that necessary for a healthy and happy relationship.
Many of my clients struggle with this. They work through it successfully to find authentic connection with their partners.
So, back to Liza. She wanted that vulnerable and authentic love, but wasn’t saying that. She was saying one thing, while wanting another, thereby confusing her partner and betraying herself. And in doing so, she was not building a healthy foundation. And while her partner may not even have been ready for such a love, Liza’s lack of communication robbed this relationship of the chance to blossom. Instead, her boyfriend behaved like a free man while breaking Liza’s heart in the process.
Liza and I have spoken since, and I am helping her lay out a path to healing. With her full goddess in bloom, Liza will soon have more options than she knows what to do with. And this time, she will approach these potential partners with an open and honest heart: the one thing all men need to bond fully with a woman. And by being true to herself and her romantic desires, Liza will find a man who sees her as worthy, just the way she is.
To attract true love, you must be both true and loving. So, hold firm to your intentions and be open about your truth. Honesty and self-awareness are the recipe for a goddess-like aura that will show men (and yourself) that you are ready for true love.