I remember being in elementary school — fifth grade, maybe — and watching the "popular girls" work the crowd. They had so much power. The boys flirted with them in the way that little boys do, more with teasing than with prowess. The other girls feared them and their strange influence. They ruled with temptation and intimidation.
It was the first time I was conscious of the power of physical beauty.
As I grew older, I believed that only this type of woman — one with "flawless" physical beauty — could be truly irresistible. I incorrectly assumed that, for them, finding love was easy, and that, for me, it would take much (largely superficial) self-improvement and hard work. I tried so hard to be "perfect," holding tight to the warped belief that only perfection equated lovability.
Gradually, I unconsciously built a wall between myself and others because of my need to be perceived as perfect. I resisted admitting weakness. I resisted sharing my intimate wants, needs, and fears. I resisted asking for help. I became a listener instead of a sharer — all in an unconscious effort to appear lovably "perfect."
It wasn't until I started to see patterns in my relationships that I recognized what I was doing and why. At my core, I believed someone had to think I was perfect in order to love me. I wasn't letting people love the person I actually was.
Since recognizing this tendency, I've made consistent, conscious efforts to create a healthier perception of myself and of love. As a result, the way that I experience intimacy has changed dramatically.
Unconscious beliefs hold many of us back from real love. Yours may be something different from mine. But no matter what's holding you back, you can beat it. You can and will become the most lovable version of yourself by being and accepting yourself. Start with these steps.
1. Believe you can have it.
When we doubt whether we are destined for love or deserving of it, that insecurity filters into our relationships. Our interactions with our dates or time spent with partners are all filtered through this lens of uncertainty. The veil of insecurity clouds our rationality and makes it easier to misinterpret or misunderstand words and actions, inviting discord.
By making a simple decision that you believe you will have love and that you deserve love (which might take a daily reminder), you will begin to transform the way you perceive the actions and intentions of others. By empowering yourself, you'll see potential partners much more clearly.
The most powerful way I've found to transform disbelief into belief is through visualization. Cultivate the image of your ideal partnership and how you will feel in it. Hold on to that as you navigate your love and daily life. Be open to powerful changes.
When you begin to experience your life this way, you will be irresistible because of your openness and groundedness — two highly attractive qualities — because they are yours and cannot be provided by anyone else.
2. Embrace your mess.
Take it from me: Waiting until you're "perfect" or "ready" to find love isn't necessary and it isn't possible. You are as perfect as you'll ever be, and you are ready now. Just as you are. In all your messy glory.
As I've learned to embrace all parts of myself — the dark, the light, and the dorky — I've found my own power. For so long, I resisted the parts of myself that I didn't like. I didn't even want to admit they were there. Because I resisted them so much, they determined many of my default patterns. What we resist persists. By not accepting all parts of myself, the tendencies I resisted ended up the shots more often than the parts of myself I was willing to accept.
Have you ever been around one of those people, the ones who sort of wear their flaws on their sleeves without apology or defense? Aren't they magnetic?
By moving toward these parts of ourselves — those messy and not so socially desirable" parts — we become whole and balanced. We become our full selves. And that is irresistible.
To the right person, your so-called flaws are your treasures. They are what makes you YOU. Irresistibly.
3. Be you.
Embracing your mess is a crucial part of this step. Embracing your mess means accepting those parts of yourself that you resist. Being you means owning who you are and standing up for that person. Know that you are already perfect. There is nothing about you to fix.
To find love and be irresistible to the right person, you have only one job: Show up as yourself. It's harder than it sounds. We have been so socially conditioned to experience love from a rational, self-preserving mindset that sometimes we find it difficult to drop into our hearts and be vulnerable.
We sometimes feel we have to change who we are in order to fit another's desires, but this only draws us into relationships with people who aren't right for us in the first place.
Take time to learn who you are, what you want, what you're worth, and bring all of that into your next relationship. The right person will find you absolutely irresistible for exactly who you are.
You deserve the most beautiful love. Believe that. I do.
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