At age 54, I am showing clear signs of a burnout. There are topics I can no longer bear. Please, do not bring up vegetarianism, “opening” the heart, fasting to get rid of toxins, or casually bandy about the word “spiritual” within earshot unless you have at least three possible working definitions of the word, one of which you actually believe.
However, the good news for me is the passion for the art of yoga has not been sacrificed by earning an income, which was my greatest fear.
In fact, I now have a broader definition of yoga than I had when I started in 1987, and I have never been more creative or a better teacher.
Yet there is a logjam in my head – voices asking questions I have answered a thousand times but the judges in my noggin are still not satisfied, going over opportunities seized or missed that I don’t want to think about any more and a yoga “scene” I do not relate to.
What to do?
Sensing my cranky, inner senior Iyengar yoga teacher coming out more and more to the fore, I began considering a career change a few years ago. Maybe I should go back to school. Anthropology? Psychology? How about a lawyer specializing in intellectual property rights?
Recently, I ran these ideas by my longtime friend Carola, a fourth series Ashtanga initiate and mental health professional who conducts involuntary commitments that “contain” people who should not be allowed to roam free.
“I can totally see you selling Clinique lipstick,” she said. “How about a job in cosmetics or clothing?”
The clouds parted, the sun shone through, and I knew I had been shown the way. It was a radical departure from what I was originally thinking: do something light and different for a while. Don’t quit your yoga day job, but start out part time in retail and get some perspective. A few weeks later I walked through a large department store and a sign appeared, confirming Carola’s insight.
“Big-Box Department Store is hiring for the Holidays.”
I went online, applied and within seven days my Department Store Vision Quest was underway. My purpose was clear: to stop thinking about yoga long enough so I could change my mind. An odd arrangement when you consider many people seek yoga and meditation as a way to change habitual thought patterns. But what if yoga and meditation are part of the habitual thought patterns you seek to break?
I needed big medicine, something so consuming there wasn’t a chance I could think about anything yoga, and Big-Box “Therapeutic Ranch” delivered when I started as a sales associate on Black Friday.
My plan was to start on a day when things couldn’t possibly get any worse. I figured I might as well get my hardest day over with. Although I wanted to work in women’s clothing, there were no available shifts so I chose “Textiles,” which turned out to be the bedding department.
I found myself attempting to answer questions like “what’s the difference between the goose down comforter and the synthetic fiber one?” Clothing is a joyous aspect of my life and my closet started clapping when Big-Box hired me. You could drop me into any women’s department and I could converse with a customer on the fly about her options and choices. But feathers and thread count?
The most daunting part of that day was making friends with “Hal,” the sales register/computer I’ve nicknamed after the anthropomorphic electronic machine in 2001: A Space Odyssey – complex, calculating, unemotional and wantonly in control.
Unlike the simple cash register I had last used when I was 16 working at Dairy Queen, I’m pretty sure you could launch an IPO on Hal. With multiple entry points and decisions that splinter into different conclusions, going into, or (God forbid) trying to back out of Hal’s labyrinth if you chose incorrectly, is a test of memory and stamina for the newly initiated Holiday Help.
With a line of people waiting, I broke out into a cold sweat as the customer before me wanted to know the dollar difference between the 20 percent off coupon and the Wow Pass discount, if using a Big-Box credit card sweetens the deal, how many feathers per square inch are in the 200 thread count versus the 300 thread count comforter, and Hal giving me the finger the whole time.
Things Can Always Get Worse
It turns out I was wrong in my planning and there was a day worse than Black Friday: the day I became the target of a fellow associate’s ire, who was much less patient and harder to deal with than the average demanding customer.
I suffered through the day with the associate watching and critiquing my every move. Later that evening, I met my partner Sandy for dinner, and when the usual pleasantries were exchanged, including “how was your day, dear,” I burst into tears.
I had been a self-employed, one woman band for a long time and I was used to handling it all, including the completely unreasonable students who have come my way. There was the priest from Louisiana who, after watching the Yoga Vinyasa video I put out in 1994 called “Stillness In Motion: Yoga Vinyasa,” wanted to hire me to conduct private asana sessions over the phone. He found my address and sent a $500 retainer via Fed-Ex Next Day Air, with a check drawn on the parishioner-funded church bank account.
Or the student who I had to get an anti-harassment order against. I took her to court and was granted an order of protection, so she retaliated and set up a web site defaming me. Last I checked it was still up, and I’ve used the site for years in my teacher trainings as an example of how yoga teachers are not exempt from unwanted attention and can become targets of harassment like anyone else.