I’m 22 years old and I've had my fair share of one-night stands. Enough to know they're not for me and I'll never have one again.
If you've found they work for you, great. My intention is not to cast judgment on those who enjoy one-night stands and I'm not against premarital sex. In fact, I believe having sex is a choice we should all make when we feel the moment is right. I’m just saying that I do better when I feel beautiful and wonderful (not just sexy and available) — and the way I maintain that feeling is by getting to know someone really well before hitting the sheets.
I should have learned from my first one-night stand, which was coincidentally when I lost my virginity. I was a little younger, naive, and I'd had enough drinks for a lifetime in that evening.
He had bright green eyes, which was right up my alley, and when he asked me to come home with him, I jumped at the opportunity. But the next day, those bright green eyes looked right at me, and called me a slut. (Yes, he actually called me that to my face.) When he told me never to touch him again, I was crushed. I waited for him to say he'd made a mistake and was just nervous because he liked me, but that never happened.
While spontaneous casual sex can be thrilling — after all, it’s a new person and a new experience — it has always left me wanting more. And there’s never more.
Who wants to just have sex once? I guess the answer is “plenty of people” given what I know from friends. But what I’m looking for is a deep and intimate connection with another human. I’ve accessed that, briefly, through sex. But once I’ve felt that connection, I don’t want it to be shut off! I want to be access that spark reliably rather than feeling let down because it's no longer available to me.
When I get really, really honest with myself, I know that every time I've walked up to a cute guy at a party it's partly because I was feeling lonely. Sure, I found him attractive. But why did I muster the courage talk to him after a few drinks? I’ve told myself it was OK because I was drunk, craving a little time in between the sheets, and I deserved this.
But maybe that morning I'd seen a cute couple holding hands and felt jealous. So I tried to recreate that for myself by using sex.
In my experience, a real relationship has never started with a one-night stand. So after the sex, my thoughts always continue to race, hoping my sudden fling will become my fantasy relationship.
And then inevitably I turn that anxiety on myself, inventing reasons why he didn’t want to stay with me. Am I not pretty enough? Was I no good?
I’ve waited for guys I barely knew to snuggle me, tell me how beautiful I was, and ask me about myself. And along the way, I usually wound up feeling less-than because I put so much of my self-worth in the hands of people who didn’t know me or care about me.
In truth, I had one-night stands to make myself feel more beautiful, sexy, and empowered. But all I was ever left with was feeling used, unattractive, and powerless. And who wants to feel like that? What I’m doing now is waiting for the person who embraces my inner and outer beauty.
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