I barely remember my emotions or how I felt that day. I DO remember, however, that I felt a sense of relief when everything was over — almost like I had gotten rid of a burden.
By the last semester of my junior year, my boyfriend and I decided to go our separate ways. I’m not sure if the abortion had any effect on our relationship. I still don’t have the balls to ask him. Luckily, we are still great friends and speak to each other often.
The rest of my college career flew by blissfully. I was a member of the university's orchestra, I auditioned and got into some of the school's musicals, and I did PR work for the Black Student Union. In May 2012, I graduated with my bachelor's of science in music business. I took my “mistake” and learned a valuable lesson: Always use protection, so next time there won’t be a next time!
It took me six years to forgive myself for being so selfish. Every Mother’s Day, I'd cry and ask myself "What if?" and every Father’s Day was a sad reminder to my now ex-boyfriend of our loss.
Today, I’m 25 and I'm finally over being an emotional wreck. With time, the guilt went away. I took up yoga and meditation to help ease my mind and focus more on the positive aspects of my life instead of dwelling on the hardships. Through that, I found myself spiritually.
In retrospect, I think I would’ve made an awesome mother. I ultimately think I could've made it work if I'd had to. I've always been family-oriented, I’m very responsible and I have a great role model in my mother!
Even though it was seven years ago, I'm still sad sometimes about the decision. I can't help but think my baby would've been 6 years old and playing with my niece and nephew. I’m embarrassed to tell friends the truth about my pregnancy. I don’t think they'd understand the state of mind I was in at the time, or the place I was in spiritually. Among my friends, abortions are looked down upon.
But having been through this I know what it feels like to be scared and totally unprepared to bring a child into the world. I feel a sense of maturity as well as responsibility as I write this essay. I’m finally being real with myself and taking responsibility for my actions. I hope my story reaches somebody out there in the same situation that I was in. You're not alone. Do what's best for you!