In our new Realtalk series, we're sharing personal stories about fertility and family planning. We hope they offer support and inspire honest conversation about an incredibly tough topic.
Before my husband and I became engaged at 27, we talked openly about the decision to have children. And we were both on the same page: Neither of us had the desire to be parents.
But after the wedding, buying a house, and seeing my friends start families, I started to have feelings leaning toward having a baby. This was also the year that we turned 30.
So for the sake of my happiness, my husband tried to change his own mind. He talked about it with his closest guy friends and soul-searched. At the tipping point, when we were 31, we ended up having a long state-of-the-union talk about our future and whether it would involve children. Or, whether it would even involve us staying together.
And I realized that, as sad as I was at that moment in time, I really couldn't see myself as a mother for the long haul. I was more disappointed about missing the opportunity to feel the sensation of being pregnant than about raising a family. This was not a reason to have a baby — this was just my biological clock kicking in.
After our decision, I found that this window of time was very lonely because I didn't feel I had another woman in my life whom I could relate to. My mother was devastated that she wouldn't have grandchildren through me. And some of the people around us had a difficult time understanding how we had come to this decision. How could we possibly understand what we would be missing out on?
I felt like many people blamed my husband. Some even suggested I have a "whoops!" baby. And I know my husband was going through a similar experience with people asking, "Why don't you just give her a baby?"
Without a doubt my husband loves me more than anything. But his moral compass told him having a baby "just because" was not the right thing for him to do. And he was right. In what world is that fair to him, to me, or to a child?