I could start this out by telling you about the importance of conscious communication and other relationship tools that you might read about in books on love and relationships.
But I am not going to. The biggest insight I gained from my divorce had nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with myself. Like any newly married couple, my ex-husband and I never thought our marriage would end in divorce. So when it did last year, everyone around us didn’t understand. And the scariest realization to date was that I definitely did not understand what was happening.
At 25, I couldn't believe how lost I was, especially considering how much of a life I felt like I had already experienced. Everything around me felt like a direct reflection of my inner world – hollow, empty, and broken. I found myself through introspective activities like writing, and reading. For the first time in my life, even at such a young age, I didn’t understand how I'd gotten to this moment.
In the face of that wake-up call, I became aware of all of the unconscious limitations I was imposing on myself, and gained a greater awareness of how to navigate my mental-emotional map. And after traveling down every nook and cranny of my inner cosmos with a flame torch I can luckily say that I am grateful for those dark days.
Here are five crucial insights I learned about myself during the painful process of divorce.
1. External follows internal -- not the other way around.
The external world is a direct reflection of your internal world. When you shift into this level of consciousness, everything in life will begin to educate you, I promise. I invite you to step into this place of empowerment, responsibility and freedom -- to recognize the power your thoughts have on shaping your experience.
If you walk around believing you are worthless, you will attract unhealthy relationships and experiences into your life. If you can empower yourself to believe in the power of your thoughts, you occupy a space in which you create life's masterpiece from within.
2. Looking for answers is a waste of time.
Nothing in the external world will fill the void and disconnection you feel deep within. The only true path to a space of peace and inner connectedness is to grab the torch and go through the mountain. Escaping from this sense of uneasiness and pain will only bring you more of it.
When you focus on your thoughts, feelings, and emotions in the present moment you start to unravel and unlearn all of the limiting beliefs and rules that hold us back from connecting on these deeper levels with our true self.
3. Self-love may be a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason.
For eons we have been told that loving yourself and taking care of yourself is selfish. I think this belief single-handedly keeps us from remembering that all of the love we seek in the outside world starts from the inside.
Of course (and in the wellness world especially), self-love has become a bit of a cliché term. But it exists for a reason. It works. When you become whole, integrated, and present you become a light unto yourself. In this space of aloneness -- but not loneliness -- you don’t need anything from the external world.
This love is not the possessive, dependent and fear-based “love” we see day to day in our relationships. This love is a state of being,where love flows through you.
4. Awareness is the scariest part, but also the most necessary.
Repressed emotions and identification with mental-emotional patterns lead us to stagnation in thoughts, causing walls to the flow of life. Without a proper system in place to release these emotional charges our emotional and psychological pain will eventually manifest in the physical body.
Awareness allows us to exit out of denial and into a reflective state, opening space to shift the behavior in the moment and integrate the lessons on the way to become a more whole, happy and vibrant being.
5. Not only do you have to know yourself, but you have to be that person, too.
Before you can truly move into a wholly conscious and aligned connection with someone you must know yourself, be yourself, and love yourself. I find the biggest problem is without the tools to look within we spend our whole lives projecting our inner worlds onto others, trying to figure out the Other.
Be still, go within and remember underneath it all, you are all that is good, true and beautiful. When you know yourself you can be yourself, and ultimately love yourself. And when you reach that space, you will realize that you are a part of the ocean of Oneness that is ineffable.