We often don’t realize when a habit is harming us, instead of helping us. When it comes to relationships, I see many of my clients actually decrease their chances of creating the relationship they want, simply because of habits they may have formed years ago.
Usually these negative habits are based on the idea of restriction, control, and power. Principles of love and romance are always based on the opposite ideas of expansion, opening up, and surrender.
I’d like to encourage you to read these slowly and carefully. If you feel resistance, it might be an indicator for you to take an even closer look at that particular habit.
1. Needing to be in control.
Sure, having ambition is great, and taking charge of your responsibilities is wonderful. Controlling your environment may be praised at work, but when it comes to love, you have to accept that you cannot control your way to a passionate and alive relationship. If you're preoccupied with wanting to control either yourself or your partner, you will inevitably eliminate any and all romance and spark in your budding relationship.
2. Worrying and expecting the worst.
Habits of worrying are created as a result of not wanting to be disappointed. However, your thoughts and your focus create your reality. That means that if you expect the worst, your mind will always look for indications for why it's prediction was correct.
If you expect yourself to be single or in an unhappy relationship, then you will unconsciously always choose a man who is not your ideal match. If you're caught up in fearful thinking, you're creating a dead-end for yourself because you are already living your fears as if they are reality. Begin to give yourself the chance to live without fear and worry one day at a time.
3. Forcing your body to look a certain way.
Many of us abuse food or exercise in order to look a certain way that we believe is desirable. In this chase for a flawless body, we can easily become estranged from our true selves.
I've seen many women find themselves confused and frustrated when they discover that external beauty doesn't equate a fulfilling relationship (or better sex for that matter). A beautiful shell that isn't nurtured from the inside will never attract another soul that is filled with substance. You have to become what you want to attract first.
4. Self-doubting and the constant need to be validated by someone else.
In order for two individuals to come together and create beauty, they have to have done the self-work necessary to be a self-accepting individual first. Of course, we all go through ups and downs and our partners are there to pick us up again, but your overall well-being and confidence cannot solely rely on someone else’s approval of who you are.
As long as you can only accept yourself if someone else does it for you first, you not only make yourself dependent on that person (and exhausting them in the process), but more importantly your giving abilities will be limited because you are not recharging your own feel-good batteries.
5. Speaking negatively to yourself.
You teach other people how to treat you by how you are treating yourself. That means that if you put yourself down, if you talk to yourself disrespectfully, if you don’t value your own mind and body, if you send hateful thoughts to those areas of your body you dislike, others will too.
If you speak to yourself kindly and respectfully, if you value your own mind and body, if you believe in yourself and your abilities, if you can find beauty in your imperfections, others will too. The energy you put out is the energy you get back.
6. Wanting to be perfect.
If you create a perfect front, you're afraid that someone will find out you aren't as perfect as you once pretended to be. That means you end up hiding and denying yourself the most human and charming asset of all: your own authenticity.
By daring to be yourself, you give others permission to fall in love with who you really are. You allow them to see you and support you the way you need to be seen and supported. There is nothing more freeing than releasing imperfection and accepting yourself.
7. Expecting perfection from your partner.
Just like you don’t want to live under constant pressure, your partner doesn’t either. Nothing squashes desire, romance, and libido as much as the pressure to be perfect.
If you want to make your partner feel insufficient by imposing perfectionism on them, then I strongly recommend that you take a look at your relationship with yourself and ask honestly: Do I feel like I am enough the way I am? Am I projecting my own struggles, my own fears of insufficiency onto another person?
Creating a romantic life that feels balanced and fulfilled is 100% possible for you. I've seen hundreds of women go through this transformation from restriction to expansion, from controlling to opening up, from power to surrender.
In the comments below I’d love to hear from you: What kind of love do you want to create for yourself?