Becoming single for me was one of the most liberating time of my life. One decision to end a seven-year relationship catapulted me into a life where I was suddenly in control of my own reality. A voice I felt had been quieted and silenced for so long became clearer and more confident. From this one decision to become single came a life of new possibilities, new friendships, new experiences.
So why am I so lonely?
In the last year, I've actively tried to be more social. As I came out of a long-term relationship, I felt like I was crawling out from a rock and seeing daylight for the first time. My comfort zone consisted of a couch, a dark living room, Marlboro menthol lights, and Flaming Hot Cheetos. I was not coming from a place of high self-esteem, hope, or adventure.
This wasn't a place I wanted to be, but it was like home to me. It was a terrible, sad prison, but my home nonetheless. I didn’t see a way out. We owned a house, we had joint bank accounts. I had given up on having someone in my life who would find me attractive, love me, and appreciate me. I'd let the inner demons of the human mind take over. I became the victim.
In one decision, a decision that came from the depths of my soul, a voice that spoke was unrecognizable, and it told me to end my relationship. So I did. I took a stand for myself for the first time in a long time. For that second, I didn’t worry about how we would have to see each other in the future to sell the house, nor did I think about our past seven years and the comfort that comes from being with the same person for so long. Something inside of me took control of the present moment, and it was like being reborn.
I embarked on discovering my true self. I became healthier, kicking my 10-year cigarette habit. I ate better, and I joined a gym. I got a tattoo, booked an international trip, and cut my hair. I quit my job, ran my first 5k, and tried online dating. But still, something is missing.
I am lonely. I have more to do now than I ever had, but I'm lonely. When I was in a stagnant relationship, I felt lonely, and now that I am single, it's still there, maybe even more pronounced. How is it that I am more social but lonelier at the same time?
What I've come to realize is that I need to let go of control. It's my biggest demon du jour. I want to speed up life, be with that person who is my one, whose soul complements mine. As much as I want to be present and enjoy the now, something inside is trying to resist the flow and force the future.
I have faith that the universe will bless me with true love. In the meantime, I will continue on with positive affirmations, appreciations of the blessing I have, and realization that the present moment is the only reality. I will continue meditating, reading positive articles, and spreading joy and positivity to others in the only way I know how: being honest and vulnerable about my own struggles.
For new and better things to come into your life, you must go through a period of destruction. Just as I rose from the ashes of a failed relationship and personal depression, I will rise from this. I know that I am not in control, and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
Maybe this article has no answer. Maybe this was more therapeutic for me than for you. I believe we are all facing different facets of the same inner beasts, the monsters that strive to make us the victim and separate us from others. We are all part of the same universe; we all want our inner peace to come through. So maybe this story helped you. It helped me to write it.
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