Your boyfriend or partner has broken up with you unexpectedly, and you’re angry, hurt, and confused. You don't understand what happened. Despite your best efforts, the result is that you feel hurt and abandoned.
To keep your mind off your sadness, you’re keeping yourself as busy as possible by hanging out with friends and getting into your work. But, whenever you have downtime, your mind starts driving you crazy, mulling all the unanswered questions, and you wind up feeling worse.
- Why didn’t he acknowledge my efforts?
- Why wasn’t I good enough?
- Would things have turned out better if I had done things differently?
I know how you feel. I’ve myself asked these same questions. Not having answers kept me in a continuous loop of believing and hoping that one day he'd say he wanted me back.
It’s natural to ask these questions when we’ve been hurt, but the truth is, open-ended questions can’t give us the closure we’re looking for or the peace to move on; they instead trap us in a cycle of resentment, self-loathing, and doubt.
Let’s tackle each of these questions so you can put them to rest once and for all:
1. Why didn’t he acknowledge my efforts?
The problem here is that you were looking for external validation instead of finding it within. It’s as if you were experiencing yourself through his eyes, instead of seeing the power within you through your own eyes. If you actively looked for validation from your boyfriend, you might have come across as needy and clingy.
Often, this type of behavior pushes people away. We all want to breathe, we want to be free, and we want our needs met. Yet putting your power in your boyfriend’s hands traps you in a fruitless search for validation and pushes him away because he can’t meet unrealistic needs.
When you acknowledge and love yourself, people will acknowledge you. If you are asking yourself this question, what probably happened in your relationship is that you traded in your power for what you wanted most: love. This is never a good idea. With love, there is no need to give up your power.
2. Why wasn’t I good enough?
The answer to this question is simple. You believed that you weren’t good enough for him because you put him on a pedestal. You placed his needs before yours, and it’s so much easier to take someone for granted when they’re constantly pushing to please others.
The questions I’d like to throw in here are: Why wouldn’t you be good enough for him? And what’s stopping you from feeling good enough about yourself?
Instead of seeking external answers to how to feel good about yourself, seek those answers within. You’ll find what you’re looking for when you look deeply.
3. Would things have turned out better if I had done things differently?
The problem is that you’re hung up on the what ifs instead of learning from your experience as it played out, working on your inner growth, and falling in love with yourself. I don’t mean that you should love yourself in a selfish or narcissistic way, but to truly love yourself from your heart. Blame, shame, and feeling sorry for yourself will only keep you stuck in a cycle of self-doubt.
The only way out of self-doubt is to be completely authentic and honest with yourself. This begins with being you instead of being someone you think others want you to be. Free yourself from putting others on a pedestal, including your ex-boyfriend. Let go of whatever is blocking you from truly falling in with yourself! The moment you do, you’ll begin to attract others who will mirror the love you have for yourself and will return to you the love you’ve been looking for.
Back to you: What do you need within you to feel good enough about yourself? And Why?
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