That scared someone was me for many years. Scared, alone, afraid, and isolated.
I think I knew at a young age that I was gay, yet I lived in a dual mind. I remember when I started looking at women differently. Being gay felt wrong in my head, and thus I could not accept that it was also a part of who I was. I denied myself so much goodness, love, and life.
So here's the advice I would give to anyone who is questioning her sexuality, scared of her sexuality, or just looking for some insight!
Remember that you only live once.
Yes, the old phrase is right. When I began to desire women differently, I didn’t know what to do with the feelings, so I stuffed them down, literally. My eating disorder, drugs, and alcohol all provided an illusion of reprieve from the discomfort of these feelings. Life is way too short to live like that.
Be true to yourself.
I was so scared that I wasn't going to be accepted by others. That I would not fit into the heteronormative view our society has, which says a woman is supposed to be with a man. I wasn't being true to myself at all. At my core I knew this, and my addictions manifested to hide this discomfort and shame. I am grateful to know that I no longer have to resist a part of my truth. I can accept my identity.
Know that you are loved.
I had a lot of guilt and shame before I came out of the closet. I wanted to be who everyone else wanted me to be. Dating men was what was expected of me, so I had to fit into this role. I didn’t think I would be loved if this was not part of my reality.
I was so far from the truth here! When I came out of the closet, everyone welcomed me with open arms. In fact, they felt more love and closeness to me than ever before. I opened up. I was raw. I was vulnerable. I lived in such fear for so long. That fear was all an illusion. Coming out as a gay woman allowed me to love myself at a deeper level, which in turn allowed more love to come in.
So to anyone that may be questioning his or her sexuality, know that you are not alone. The more confident and worthy you feel inside, the more it shines and is visible outside. Without the love and trust for yourself, you can’t expect to get it from others. It all starts with honesty!