5 Things Everyone Gets Wrong About Polyamory

For me (and for plenty of people), polyamory has little to do with sex. It’s more an examination of the ways that we humans view relationships in general and an interest in redefining what is meant by "commitment." Here are five common myths about polyamory that I’ve heard over and over again and some facts to set the record straight:

Polyamory can mean that a couple has decided to open up their relationship, but there are so many other ways for polyamory to work. Polyamory focuses strongly on consent and communication among all parties. Lots of polyamorous relationships are triads, or quads, or other geometric configurations—meaning that three or more people are all dating one another. Another configuration might be platonic friends deciding to enter into a romantic partnership while sleeping with other people on the side. Most popular portrayals of polyamory are woefully heteronormative. Polyamory resonates especially with people for whom the standard nuclear family model doesn’t fit. Those people are not always—or even not that often—hetero couples looking for a date on the side.

Actually, the polyamorous movement as we know it today owes a great deal to bisexual women in particular. The definition of the word was composed by (bisexual woman) Morning Glory Zell Ravenheart. Many of the most seminal texts on the subject were written by (bisexual woman) Deborah Anapol. Women and gender-queer people have done a lot of the organizing and institutional thinking that has transformed polyamory from a nebulous concept into a movement.

That means that if I want to go on a date with someone but one of my partners feels uncomfortable, I will wait to go on the date. Instead, my partner and I might have a long conversation about what we’re feeling and why we’re feeling that way. It requires a lot of talking, but that’s kind of the point. I’m deeply committed to the people I love. I will always treat them the way I want to be treated.

We have to acknowledge that polyamory is not a sexual orientation, and it is not a lifestyle choice that everyone has equal access to. Because polyamory requires a lot of time (for all the dating but also for all the communication that comes with it), it’s not a viable option for people who work more than one job or who are singularly responsible for a large family. People with children who decide later in life to try a polyamorous structure can expect to be met with vitriol from family and friends. And people for whom certain organized religions are a central part of life—especially people of color in the United States—might not find a lot of acceptance in their communities. To choose to practice polyamory requires a great deal of class, racial, and cultural privilege.

Interested in learning more about open relationships? Read up on how Bethany Meyers copes with jealousy in her relationship.