Your Kids Will Find Sex Online — Here's What Parents Should Do

In the age of technology, talking to your kids about sex and sexuality has never been more important.

This week, a frightening study1 from Michigan State University found teen girls who have sexual experiences online were more likely to experience sexual assault, engage in unsafe sex, and find themselves in a violent relationship. The online sexual experiences included things like posting sexual photos of themselves on social media, watching porn, having conversations about sex with people online, and getting solicited for nudes and sex from strangers online.

As you might notice, these behaviors are quite a mixed bag—some of them are not inherently dangerous, whereas others carry with them legal risks for teens and potential safety risks for people of all ages. For the modern, sex-positive parent, this makes figuring out how to approach protecting their kids a little more complex.

Even the lead researcher behind the study, MSU human development and family studies professor Megan Maas, Ph.D., notes that the core message of these findings is less about trying to stop your teens from exploring their burgeoning sexuality and more about starting to have some candid conversations about sex in the context of the internet.

Great question! It's complicated.

Plenty of studies show sexting is a totally normal and even healthy behavior for adults, but it's a totally different story with kids: Most states have laws against creating, possessing, or distributing images of minors, which includes the nude photos kids take of themselves and send to one another. From a sex-positive perspective, the main issue here is that many kids have not yet developed the wisdom to understand the potential consequences of their digital decisions, take any necessary precautions to protect themselves, recognize people who might be likely to hurt them, and empathize with others enough to not be the one to inflict pain. (Many adults don't even have those skills down pat yet, let alone teens!)

Likewise, watching pornography is an exceedingly normal behavior, one that many sex therapists, in fact, recommend as a means of helping adult individuals and couples explore their sexuality and erotic interests. But there's a lot of bad porn out there portraying negative, harmful, and unrealistic images of how sex works, and some research suggests the dark side of porn can include some negative repercussions for your relationships.

First of all, it's important to state for the record that sex itself is a healthy, natural, and often wonderful part of the human experience, one that comes with many physical and mental health benefits, and that's a definitive marker of life satisfaction. The problem, of course, is that sex also carries with it many risks, both physical and emotional, and teens often don't have the knowledge, resources, experiences, or confidence to take care of themselves in sexual situations yet.

The most important role of a parent when it comes to keeping their teens sexually safe is creating an open, ongoing dialogue about sex. Emphasis here on ongoing—this isn't about just having one single "sex talk" with your kid once they hit puberty. You should be having many conversations about sex over the course of their tween and teen years.

"As someone who works with teens, I think a big problem here is also that parents need to be updated and educated as well," Eborn explains. "A lot of parents do not feel as comfortable having these conversations because they never found comfort fully within themselves."

Listen: Most adults are still trying to figure out their own sexuality. Having and raising kids doesn't suddenly make you an expert, and it's OK to admit that. If this is a subject that makes you uncomfortable or that you haven't spent a lot of time exploring yourself, now is a great time to do that—it'll help you talk to your kids about sex in a positive and informed way. And even if you're plenty comfortable with your own sexuality, it's important to have modern, up-to-date information about sex.

It's incredibly important that your teen feels comfortable talking to you about this stuff—that's the best way to make sure you're able to guide them in the right direction as their sexual life emerges and to make sure they come to you if they need help for any reason.

"It is important for parents to understand the impact of certain behaviors, but it is more important for parents to stay connected to their teen during a fundamental time in their identity development, especially when exploration and curiosity are part of this stage," Bobbi Wegner, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist at Boston Behavioral Medicine who specializes in working with modern families, tells mbg.

Kids are naturally curious, but in addition to that curiosity, a lot of them end up engaging in sexual behaviors due to pressure to fit in. For teen girls especially, societal messages about the need to look sexy and attractive and be celebrated by others for their appearances can often be driving forces to start posting sexual photos on social media, Eborn explains. It can also lead them to accept or even seek out sexual attention from strangers online. "Teens are being taught that the way to get all of this attention and to be like the Kardashians is to do it this way," Eborn explains. "That can lead to girls doing things that they may not have normally done before. All because of the possible attention that they can get."

Just like girls, boys will receive the very same messages that girls' and women's bodies are objects to consume, objects that are here for men's pleasure. It's important for parents to talk directly to their sons (at as early an age as possible—ideally before the teen years!) about the negative ways they'll see internet strangers talking about women's bodies. Make sure your sons recognize why that behavior is totally unacceptable.

You are your child's biggest advocate. The state of American sex ed is not pretty right now, but parents can have a lot of power when it comes to influencing what kind of sex programs their school systems accept and offer. Ring up your school and ask to get a copy of their sex ed curriculum and any other sex-related resources they offer students. Demand better, sex-positive, comprehensive, and inclusive sexual education.

Additionally, for all its dangers, the internet also comes with access to endless positive resources about sex. Cavill recommends Common Sense Media's sexting handbook for parents and teens to work through together, the Scarleteen sex ed website for teens, and Amaze.org sex ed videos for kids ages 4 to 14.