Please don't compromise yourself, especially in the area of love, romance, and sex.
A little over a month ago, I made a big mistake and went for a man who I knew was unavailable in many ways. After a couple of bottles of wine, we began to make the motions towards undressing and in the midst of everything, my heart was calling out, Wait! Stop! You don't want to do this!
Even though I knew the truth, that I deserve someone to treat me better, I could not form the words, No thank you. I'm leaving.
Not until a few hours later, when it was already too late and I drove home feeling the most dejected I've ever experienced after being with someone.
I believe in having fun. I also believe in honoring your truth. Pretending the red flags aren't there when everything within you is warning against trouble only leads to problems later on. That's the thing: I knew exactly what was right for me in this recent situation, yet because I was afraid this person would no longer like me, without stopping to ask myself if I actually liked him or liked the idea of him, I compromised myself completely.
I knew better, and I did it anyway.
I woke up the next morning absolutely ambushed with shame and dragged myself to a yoga class with a group of friends. The teacher began with this meditation:
"To be truly accepting of yourself, you must be able to sit with your darkness."
I dropped my chin to my chest, brought my hands to prayer pose, and shook my head side-to-side.
Universe, I thought. How do you always know?
After class, I drove with one of my friends to breakfast and told her the events of the night before. I was angry at myself, which she quickly aimed to put into perspective.
"How would you talk to me if I were in your situation?" she asked, thoughtfully. "What would you say? Would you think I'm a horrible person? A terrible and hypocritical yoga teacher?"
"No," I responded. "I'd think you were human and that everyone makes mistakes."
"Right, then why would you think I, or anyone else, would think that about you?" she said softly. "We've all been there. We've all done things with someone else that we regret."
I was startled.
"Really?" I asked. "You have?"
This beautiful woman before me, this gorgeous soul who I completely respect and admire, had compromised herself in love and sex, too?
What became even more shocking was the more I spoke with my tribe of amazing females about my what I’d done — about how I compromised what I knew was right in my heart in exchange for a moment of disappointing displeasure — the more each and every one of them shared with me their experience of doing something similar. Looking back, they could readily recall with a lingering sense of disbelief all the ways in which they've yielded for a man.
How could this be? How could accomplished, attractive, intelligent, and aware human beings all have such a similar experience of shame? Of regret? Of not honoring oneself when being with a man?
And that’s why I’m writing this post.
You are too, too beautiful inside and out to compromise yourself when it comes to love, romance, or sex.
You are too brilliant, too intelligent to let your boundaries slip and slide in order to make a man happy, whether it’s under the covers or in the world.
You are part of a phenomenal tribe! Let's empower ourselves and one another, so we can be good role models for girls who are just getting started in the world.
Believe, believe, believe that there are good men out there who want to offer you love and respect in abundance and who are happy to do so! This is a lesson I'm learning, but the more I open my eyes and my heart to see what real love is, the more I am amazed at how the Universe enables me to surrender and receive in ways that fill me up rather than tear me down.
Be kind to yourself. Check in with yourself. You always know what's right for you; it stirs within your DNA and all of your molecules and cells. It takes practice, but like every other muscle in your body, you can learn how to flex it and use it to your greatest strength.
It's worth doing the thing you know will be better in the long-term, even if it means sacrificing this experience in the short-term. Doing so means having a bit more trust and faith in the Universe that it’s watching out for you.
Create space for the right situation and the right person, then wait awhile for that human being to RSVP to your party, and you may just find yourself as the belle of the ball which, in the end, is the party you’ll want going on through the night.
He's just a man. Maybe you've placed him on a pedestal. He's like you and me, sometimes struggling through life changes and situations and experiences, figuring out how to become who he is meant to be. Even if on the outside, it doesn't look like that, even if he's the hottest guy who's ever graced your field of vision, he is a human being. Just like you. Just like me. We're all the same. (Which likely means that men have experienced this sense of compromising, too, but that's an article for a man to write.)
Let’s aim to remember that the world will not end if we say, "No thank you.”
Instead, it brings us one step closer to our "YES! YES! YES!"
You are worth everything. First, you have to see it, too. I'm here for you if you need me.