The last few weeks have been so hard on me, so emotionally hard that I had to question myself, what is it that is missing in my life that I don’t have. I know I am so blessed with everything I have and I thought I got everything under control, everything was working fine.
Yet, when I got closer to doing a basic medical procedure, my anxiety surfaced and I got completely exposed to my strongest fears: fear of dying, of being abandoned and abandoning my loved ones. I collapsed.
I thought I was pretty good at working through my fears, I thought I was pretty good at analyzing and introspecting. But what I had never realized is how much I suck at being vulnerable. Being vulnerable stinks. I hate being vulnerable. I hate not having my life under my control. I hate uncertainty. I hate not understanding what I am feeling.
One of those crazy nights before the procedure, I was anxious and couldn’t go to bed. Being the person I am, I have to understand the root cause of everything I feel so I wanted to understand the root of my sadness.
I found myself sitting on my computer in the middle of the night, researching and reading articles then I stumbled across Dr. Brene Brown’s amazing vulnerability video on TedX and this is when I had the greatest re-learning experience of all, an a-ha moment. Everything started making sense to me!
I became aware of how much I have been protecting myself from being vulnerable, from exposing myself completely naked as I am, as I feel, as I engage in being fully human. I've been protecting myself from pain that I know is unavoidable, from being criticized, from the suffering that I may experience.
I've been protecting myself from the scarcity that I feel, that I am never enough, I am never perfect enough, I am never safe enough, I am never strong enough, I am never loved enough, I don’t know if what I do in life is good enough, and nothing is ever good enough. I even thought, who am I to help support individuals to get the life they want when I don’t even feel that I know it all in my own life.
Yeah, pretty depressing emotions, aren't they?
The sad thing is many of us are fighting those feelings. The majority of us have this scarcity feeling that is eating us alive and preventing us from experiencing the present.
BUT... here is what I learned from this awakening reminder: “Being vulnerable is not weakness,” says Dr. Brene Brown.
This statement inspired me to realize that in order to have strong faith in my life, I need to be open to be completely vulnerable.
I need to have the courage to trust be who I am, as I am and the way I am. I need to dare to speak my truth from the heart. I need to trust what I have instead of what I don’t have. I need to quit fighting being an ordinary person and let myself be.
I need to be okay that bad things are going to happen to me and dwelling on the pain that I may go through in the future won’t fill up my reservoir with strength to fight through it when it happens.
This experience was a pretty good reminder to accept that there is no escape from suffering and it's okay to feel pain, it’s okay to ask for support and I don't have to do it all alone. It's also okay to be scared, angry, to let out the emotions and it’s okay to not be so perfect all the time.
What’s even more important, is that I realized that being vulnerable is the gateway to discovering the mystery of who I am and the path to let go of the shame and fear of being ordinary. It is through the lens of vulnerability that I can fail and succeed, get disappointed and cultivate trust, be weak and strong, sad and happy, doubtful and faithful, imperfect yet perfect, unloved and loved even more, strong yet be fully human.
It’s through vulnerability that we can experience the birth of complete true inner freedom, faith, trust, love, hope, empathy and authenticity and it's through vulnerability that we cultivate our sense of survival on earth.
And I am hoping that this article will inspire you to allow yourself to break open, to be who you are, to speak your truth and to experience this beautiful birth of inner freedom.
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