Don't Give Up - Go Toward Where You Feel Held
Well, I guess you could say I’ve just come out of one of the most challenging times of my life. The depths of these challenges that surface seem to become more and more internal the older I get. I’ve been through some sick and twisted sh*t. During my childhood, I was left to starve from my step mother (whom I thought was my real mother until the age of 15), was hit and beaten, sexually molested and well, to say the least, I didn’t really have a childhood. That compared to the real inner work really is nothin’. Strawberry cake with pink frosting—maybe even with sprinkles on top. This phase of life was different. Older, deeper, ancestral, perhaps ancient even. Finally, it’s over. This phase is finished, done, complete. End of story, end of chapter, end of book.
What triggered it? Well, if you’re asking long term? I was born. Short term? All of my money got stolen when I left Mexico whilst in transit to Hong Kong to Bali. (You can read more on this here.) A 15 hour layover, about to buy a bottle of water before boarding the 11 hour flight and realizing, “Sh*t, my cash is gone. I have no money.” Then to thought number two, “Ok, breathe. I still have my debit card.” Then to thought number three, “F*ck, how did I create this?” I get to the Denpasar Airport in Bali and my card gets stuck in the machine. “What did I just do. I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life coming here.”
I spent two months in the upstairs room of my friend’s place in Uluwatu, South Bali, practicing, meditating, praying, chanting, like I’ve never practiced before. It was the Bhagavad Gita in full effect - HD mode. Diving into myself asking the questions, over and over and over again, to come to a clear and acceptable answer of what it was that was actually happening. Karmic purging, unwinding, unraveling.
Dear God, that was a most horrid, unpleasant, uncomfortable, invaluable, revelatory, life affirming, absolutely necessary experience that I’ve ever had in my life—thus far.
It’s was a struggle. It’s been really really really hard. A difficult, soul baring, skin tearing, ego shattering, mind exploding and gut wrenching time exposing every ounce, particle and fragment of me that needed my awareness and attention. Pieces of me that were screaming out for healing and awakening to register back to core—back to the heart of the matter. And at the end of it I exhale and I see—Oh, so this is what I’m made of.
Living off of $30 a week for food, petrol, rent, water…for months. How did I do it? Cutting down to 1 meal a day, basic needs change, essentials shift, perspective humbles and you see how far you can stretch 50.000rp a day (roughly US$5) to survive.
Now that I’m out, I can see it from the other side. Abundance is in motion and abounds just like the frangipanis here in Bali. These beautiful and delicate flowers just bloom bloom bloom and lay affluent, laden on the Earth as fragrant pathways to walk upon.
I’ve been having a lot of “first times” lately. Meaning, new experiences, new learnings, new lessons, new everythings. Stepping up from baby steps to higher strides. Life is asking for a lot from me and I’m more than happy to give it.
I am part of the crew of teachers at Radiantly Alive in Ubud and I’m astonished, still in shock and awe to say what I’ve been praying for and seeking has finally manifested. True sangha and community—practitioners and teachers who are seeking to live a life of complete and utter Truth. It’s an honor to stand next to them as seekers, teachers, leaders and most importantly, devotees of the Love. Every single person I am with, loves what they do. Vibrant, conscious and alive! I’m learning so much from each and every one of them. Who could ask for more.
There is a Radiantly Alive Yoga Teacher Training happening at the moment and it’s the first time I’m experiencing a teacher training as an outsider vs. a trainee participant. The creator driving the boat is Daniel Aaron, yogi, teacher, leader and friend. The caliber of this training is blowing me away—there are teachers who have been teaching for 20 years, coming in as co-faculty for the trainees to experience not just the asana, but the entire realm and scope of what yoga really means and is—and also, what it means to be a teacher. Just look at this list of names of who’s coming through.
It’s a bit ridiculous of how high, authentic and true human beings can be to congregate, come together and create something so special for those who have the desire to embark the Path of what it is they are here on this planet to do.
I’ve been looking for my crew of peeps, for a long long time, who not only practice what they preach, but more importantly, embody it. Teachers, Musicians, Students, Artists, Business Owners, Public Speakers, Leaders, Healers, Mothers, Fathers, Sisters, Brothers. Y’all are sprinkled all over the world. All of you inspire me to be better me, a better woman, a better human, everyday.
I’ll never forget these words a teacher once said to me during one of my teacher trainings. “Don’t give up. Go towards where you feel held.” Eight very powerful words, especially when you especially, need to hear it. I’ve been walking towards where I feel held and supported ever since. It is very much possible to create an environment of exclusively, love and support. People used to tell me that I was too quixotic, or optimistic, or a dreamer, or an illusionist or that there is no such thing as Utopia. I made this list in December. It’s May now and hey, it’s come true. Imagination is the first step to creating your reality. Your mind is a very powerful tool.
Get clear internally of what you want to create and who you want to create it with. They’ll show up when it’s time. Do your inner work. Reorganize, clean out the clutter and reshape your inner world. Let go of unconscious habits and devote yourself to creating a life of purpose and clarity. Anyone or anything not on that frequency will dutifully shift away. Anyone or anything that is on that frequency will waltz right into your life and into your heart.
Sometimes, to get a clear understanding, a broad landscape must be painted and presented. The next few articles will be based upon my experiences, teachings, lessons, revelations, challenges, joys and sorrows over this most recent period of my life. Please stay tuned and thank you for reading. Looking forward to sharing with you. Om Shanti Love, Ram Ram, Chloe.
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